Dating Case Study with Analysis and Solution
Karen was complaining about the latest guy she met during her dating coaching session. She met Gary on match.com, emailed for a week or so, talked on the phone and they agreed to meet. Their first date on Tuesday night went really well.
Then on the next day, Karen called Gary to ask him to go to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in New Haven on Sunday. Gary was delighted to hear from her and said yes. The day of the parade was so easy, comfortable and fun! They both seemed to really enjoy the event and each other.
At the end of the 2nd date, Gary asked Karen to go for a hike on Thursday and said he’d call later in the week to set things up. By Thursday morning at 11am, Karen was starting to wonder, although she was also trying to stay positive and upbeat. She decided to call Gary to see what he had planned and left him a message.
Gary called back at 1:30 to say today wasn’t going to work and he’d have to reschedule. He’ll call her again soon. Oh oh…
The Monkey Wrench
Karen was so confused by Gary’s behavior. “What’s up with that?” she asked me with a perplexed look on her face.
The Analysis for Over 40 Dating
I explained to Karen that she shouldn’t call men or ask them out. She was very surprised to hear me say this (we just started working together). Karen explained that she was simply being direct, honest, and doing her part to build the relationship.
Ahhh yes, her part…There in lies the problem. This is a very hard concept for so many women over 40 who know how to take charge of situations and get a job done.
Her Job vs. His Job – Dating Roles
It’s not Karen’s job to build the relationship by asking the guy out or calling him. Nope. Not her job – that’s HIS JOB. Her job is to be warm, friendly, fun to be with and appreciative, That’s it.
As a woman, it works so much better to let the man call and ask you out. Why? Because if he does all the work, you will know he’s is interested in you and not just flattered. Plus, when it’s his idea to see you, he’ll get invested in trying to win you over by finding a way to please you. He’ll want to call to connect, find out what you like, plan a nice date and pay.
The Chase and the Case for DNA
This, in dating terminology, is called “The Chase.” The chase is still alive and well and has not gone away. Pursuit is part of a man’s DNA because men were born to hunt. When you pursue him, you become the hunter. The vast majority of men, do not want to be pursued even though they may think it’s hot and feel curious or flattered.
Studies show men who are pursued by aggressive women think it will be easy to “get lucky” if you catch my drift. If you are looking for a serious, long-term relationship, you may be catching on to why calling a man is not a good idea.
Put Him on the Do Not Call List
Here are five reasons why you don’t want to call a new guy you are dating:
1. You won’t know if he’s flattered, curious or really wants to get to know you
2. You won’t know how quickly he would have called you or if he would have called at all
3. You won’t know what he’d do to win you
4. You may give him the wrong impression about your intentions and desires
5. You short circuit your ability to data gather – which is only possible when you observe what he does without your prompting. And that is the whole point of dating!
How to Find a Man Who Follows Through
If you want to find a man who will follow through, start by letting him pursue you. Allow him to occupy the man’s role and take charge of the initial courtship. If he calls, schedules, plans and keeps the date – voila – you’ve found a man who knows how to follow through!