I was reading a personal dating blog yesterday with a really good post about a dating situation. the blogger/dater was asking for help in understanding what happened. That’s where I come in – The Dating Coach with answers.
Of course it’s much easier for me now to look at situations like these more objectively since they are no longer happening to me. When you are living through it – ahhh that’s what makes it harder. I have tons of empathy for you daters out there. And that’s why I want to share what I know with you – to clear up mysteries and make your dating lives easier and more productive.
Here’s the story:
1. Cara met Andy on a blind date her friends set up. They had a good time. He paid. Thumbs up.
2. Cara admits that she doesn’t abide by the rules of dating regarding follow up. She emails to thank him and to make sure he knows she’s interested.
3. Cara took it one step further by asking him to let her know if he’s open to going out again.
Oh No Wrong Move!
4. Andy does respond to her email and suggests the following week
5. Cara provides two options and Andy says they’ll talk later in the week
6. Cara waits…
7. Andy contacts her last minute on a day she’s not free, then says he’ll try again
8. Cara is still waiting and wants to know what happen?
So, I gave her my dating advice:
As a dating coach, I say let the man do the work. Why? Because then you know if he’s really interested. When he has to make the effort, email or call, pick the place, set up the date – he’s invested in winning you over.
When you contacted him, you said more than “Thank you.” You suggested going out again and asked for feedback. He might have been flattered and thought it was a good idea at the time. But he wasn’t invested. Hence – no follow through.
You may decide to continue to send email thank you’s the day after a date because it’s the polite thing and you feel it has merit. ( I don’t think it’s really necessary.) My suggestion is leave it at that. That way if he wants to see you – THE BALL IS IN HIS COURT.
In life we avoid dropping the ball – usually its shows lack of follow through. This is very true of business skills and the very reason I talk all the time about how your business skills do not translate well in the land of romance.
For women who are dating, DROPPING THE BALL is the MOST EFFECTIVE THING you can do to find out if a man is truly interested or just flattered. Please let that ball sit there and don’t touch it!
Don’t pick up the ball and try to run with it. That’s a totally different game and not the one you are trying to play here.
Instead, your job in the Dating Game, much as you may hate it, is to wait to discover if he is ready, willing and able to pick up that ball.
Women don’t like this concept, but it’s worked for eons and is something that has not changed much. This premise has to do with biology and DNA. The behavior pattern relates back to our animal instincts and mating rituals. And we cannot take biology out of the Dating Game, not yet.
This is the very reason why I am a huge proponent of feminine charm and flirting! That is your power as a woman. Learn how to use your allure, so there is nothing he can do but want you. The wanting causes his investment which prompts him to act. This is exactly what you want. When connecting with you is his idea, the chances of his investment go way up and the chase begins.
Allow the chase to do its job. Use your allure and charm to pique his interest. And drop the ball totally if you want to know how interested he is and find the right man for you.