Breaking up is never fun. But some things can make it seem so much worse. I was talking to a client today who told me the man she dated for three months, sent her an email through facebook to call it quits.
Via Facebook? Not even a real email? Wow tha’ts cold. I don’t get it.
Well maybe I do. From what I have learned personally and through the more than 1,500 clients I’ve worked with, it seems that the vast majority of men hate confrontation. Of any kind. Including breaking up.
Some guys claim they hate to deliver bad news. Some say they don’t want to hurt the woman’s feelings. Some say they can’t handle a big emotional scene. Whatever the reason – “I can’t handle it” seems to cover all the bases.
Let’s admit this is a hard message to deliver. True for anyone unless you are no longer emotionally invested – that does make it easier.
Back when I was dating, I remember how awful it was to break up with the last guy who I called “The Postman.” (that was his job .) I was dating both him and my husband, a first for me. And not so easy or fun as you’d think. I was trying to decide for about six weeks and finally just had to hold my breath and pick a man . My husband won. Maybe it was the freckles – I’m a fool for freckles.
Anyway, this decision meant I had to cut the postman loose. I dreaded this conversation. I knew I could never get through it in person. So I did it over the phone. Is this the best? I don’t know.
Many people insist that you do this sort of thing in person. We’d only been dating about 9 weeks so things were still new versus a romance of years. It wasn’t a great call because I cried. I found it hard to reject and hurt this nice guy, but he just wasn’t the right choice for me. I did the best I could.
I have been broken up with via “Dear John” letter, a phone call, and in person. My college boyfriend and I never broke up – he just stopped calling me and I never followed up or ran into him ever again! None of it was better than the other.
At least on the phone or via letter or email, the guy couldn’t see how I took it. I got to have my reaction in some degree of privacy which was a relief – not having to hold it together for the benefit of someone else.
But via Facebook even though it was a private note – that does seem more cowardly perhaps than even a personal email. I’ve heard about being texted too.
When people are hurt or angry, they sometimes do cruel things or act in ways that are less than when at their best. It stinks. But the truth is, there is no good way to deliver this message to anyone.
If it happens to you at any time in the future, my advice is to do whatever you need to do to take good care of yourself. Cry, eat too much ice cream, take lavendar-scented baths, sleep a lot, lean on your friends, pray, eat grill cheese and tomato soup, watch chick flicks, buy yourself flowers. And then when you are ready, move on and get back out there to look for love again.