Dating After Divorce: Can I Be Honest with Him Upfront about His Kids and Ex-Wives?

 

Dear Ronnie,
I met a guy with real potential on the internet. He has a great profile and is very smart. We talked on the phone and had a really wonderful conversation. So I’m excited to say we’re meeting for coffee this week.
.
Unfortunately, he has several kids from different ex-wives. This is a nightmare to me because in the past, kids have been difficult to deal with or don’t like me, and the ex-wives have been demanding and reek havoc by changing visitation at the last minute.  It can really be awful!
 
I feel like the best thing to do is just be upfront with him. Might as well be honest with the guy from the start and tell him of my past experience. I can’t consider getting serious with a man if his kids won’t treat me right and if his ex-wives are nags. 
 
So Ronnie, what do you think?
Thanks for your help with this,
Honest Woman
Dear Honest,
I would venture that if you start out this way, being "honest," telling him of your past experience and insisting his kids are respectful, you will very likely turn him off and push him away.
 
Let’s think about this from his perspective. Mr. Lotsofkids meets this great woman online and is looking forward to meeting her in person. But just minutes into the conversation, she tells him what she needs to consider a serious relationship (where did that come from?) and wants to know if his kids and ex-wives are pleasant.
 
Yikes!
 
Having problems with this guy’s life right up front may seem honest to you, but it won’t feel very good to him. It could feel like you are waving a massive red flag in his face. You might come across as, shall we say, a bit demanding and high maintenance yourself
 
I can appreciate your history and how children can cause problems and certainly so can ex-wives. But when you bring them up in the first meeting you are actually bringing them on your date! I think its easier to get to know someone when you just focus on him for your initial meeting.
 
My suggestion is to either decide you won’t date guys with kids and ex-wives. Or, if you are willing to be open-minded, why not just meet him and see if he’s even worth a second date before you worry about future problems..Stay in the present. Who knows what tomorrow might bring?
 
No matter what the potential problems with any dating prospect, staying in the present is good advice. You might like him. You might not. He might like you or not. There are so many variables. So many types of men, ex-wives and children.
 
If you just know you can’t date a guy with kids, then don’t consider these men. Case closed.
 
But if you want to widen your pool of "applicants, and decide to see who he is as a person, then keep this important fact in mind. The past does not always accurately predict the future…
 
In addition, you cannot make people do things to suit you. He can’t make his kids like you or his ex-wives not call. Believe me,  if this is a problem for him, he wants to do these things too, But he can’t make anyone do anything either. We don’t control much in life, no matter how much we want to.
 
So, you can only know if he’s the right man if you meet him with an open mind and see what happens from there. If he is the right man, things will likely start to fall into place.
 
Wishing you love,
Ronnie
 
 
 

 

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

Leave a Comment

shares