Dating After Divorce: How Do I Get Men to Ask Me Out vs. Just Emailing?


I have been quite busy with online dating. Some men are weird, so I delete about 75% of them.  And then I’m frustrated by guys who want to be email buddies. They stall on inviting me for a real face-to-face meeting.  How long should I wait before I get honest and say, "Enough small talk, when do I get a to meet you?"  Two to three weeks of email seems like more than enough. I really want to meet someone nice, start a regular dating pattern which will eventually turn into a long-term relationship. Looking forward to your advice,

Damsel in Distress
 
Dear Damsel,
When I was thinking about finding a husband, I didn’t even want to date – I just wanted to meet the "one." Yes, anyone dating would probably like a short cut to meeting nice people and getting something going. Unfortunately, that’s not how dating works. 
To find love, you will need to not only kiss a lot of frogs, but also meet and email them. Dating is a numbers game – a sorting ritual in which you meet many prospects and weed through them to find the ones who might best meet your criteria for a loving partner. The process for some is fun, but for others it can be stressful, time-consuming and down right frustrating. Yup, that’s dating.
 
You cannot rush any individual into meeting you. And you can’t bully them into it either. You are right, dating is a GAME and the only way to win is to learn how to play it. Not a game of manipulation – that’s not what I am talking about.

The rules of the dating game are quite different. Let me go over some of the basics (these are for men or women):
1) MEET LOTS OF PEOPLE and sort through them. Don’t bother replying to the ones who clearly aren’t want you want and don’t fit your criteria for a loving partnership. On the other hand, make sure you don’t use your criteria to keep yourself single. Remember first, you must actually MEET LOTS OF PEOPLE. So be sure to stretch beyond the narrowest description of your perfect "type" to meet a variety of potential prospects.
2) EXPECT AND ACCEPT THAT YOU’LL MEET ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE. That’s part of the process. If you can accept this, you won’t be as angry when it happens. You might even be able to share these experiences as funny stories and take them in stride with a little practice. There is absolutely no way to avoid this aspect of dating and struggling against it will only make you miserable.
3) When someone you meet isn’t right for you, MOVE ON WITH GRACE AND STYLE. Avoid spewing anger, giving men a piece of your mind, or sharing your frustrations. You have a right to feel these things, but if you start interacting with the opposite sex in this manner, you will not send out the vibes of attraction when it comes time to meet "the one." Treat people with the same respect you’d like to experience – that’s the best guide for your own behavior. 

4) GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE. Be willing to date someone three times who is in the "ballpark" of what you are looking for. This is the way to give the shy guy a chance who might not sweep you off your feet, but could be the right person none the less. This isn’t about settling, it’s about refraining from snap judgments that can keep you single.

5) SMILE AND BE FRIENDLY because the new people you meet of either sex know about 250 other people. If you are nice, they might connect you to someone wonderful. That’s how I met my husband. – I met his sister first.

6) TO SAVE TIME, SET UP YOUR DATING PROTOCOL – you’ll find this in my book MANIfesting Mr. Right, starting on page 99. Preparing your protocol allows you to determine how many emails before you want to talk on the phone and meet, come up with the script to suggest these steps so you don’t stumble or have to keep thinking up what to say, get to know some of the red flags that will signal you are with Mr. Wrong, and decide how many dates before you become intimate, Once you create your own set of rules, you can rely on them rather than having to think fast on your feet every time something comes up. 

 
When you decide to email only for two weeks and then you want to talk on the phone and meet, and the email suitor doesn’t do this on his own or with your prompting, just move on. Don’t waste time with prospects who have lots of excuses, don’t make excuses for them (he’s so busy), don’t give anyone too much benefit of the doubt. There are plenty of fish in the sea, so move on. See rule #3.
 

7) KEEP THE LAW OF ATTRACTION IN MIND. Do your best to remain as optimistic as possible and believe 

that the right partner is out there for you and you will meet each other. That’s what will keep your energy attractive, magnetic and working for you.

Dating can be incredibly frustrating, but what matters most is your ability to stay calm knowing that there is a man out there for you and with time, patience, faith and perseverance, you will find each other. Don’t get up in arms about the prospects who don’t meet your needs. Just accept that it’s par for the course and do your best to move on with a smile. That way, when a good man shows up – you are ready, smiling, warm, welcoming and attractive to him.

Wishing you love in 2009!

Ronnie

 

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