Dating Over 40: Janie Stops Looking and Finds Her Man

Yesterday I spoke to Janie who at 57, happily showed me her dazzling new diamond engagement ring. For years, I’ve seen Janie at our business women’s network luncheons.  As long as we didn’t talk about men, she was happy, bubbly and fun to be around. But if the topic of men came up – wow, not the same woman.

Janie had purchased a coaching package from me nearly five years ago at a fundraising auction. Two hours of coaching accompanied by my book was what she bid on and won. And occasionally at meetings, over the next few years, Janie would grimace and say, I should really call you. But she never did. That’s OK. Everyone has her/his own sense of timing and need.

So yesterday, I asked her, "Janie, how did you meet your fiancé?" She started to explain how she had completely given up looking for a guy. And then a friend dragger her to a swing dancing event where she met Bob and the rest was history.

That’s her version. But after speaking with her, I can tell you that is NOT what actually happened. Oh no, not even close.

You see, I am really adept at reading between the lines. And what Janie doesn’t realize is that it wasn’t that she had given up looking for a man. She had been divorced for over 9 years and every time she met a man after her divorce, he always turned out to be a scoundrel. Not who he said he was, not truthful, not available. You know the story.

So Janie had developed quite an attitude about men. Truth is Janie stopped liking and trusting men. She thought that as a group, they just couldn’t be trusted and there certainly weren’t any good ones left out there. She became bitter and hopeless sad to say.

The truth about giving up on finding a good man… The truth about her not looking any more.. That is NOT what she gave up. The deeper truth is that when Janie stopped  looking, she stopped looking for the same TYPE OF MAN who always disappointed her. She gave up on disliking men. She let go of her anger when she decided to not look any more.

And guess what? Janie softened. She became friendlier because she didn’t care any more. She didn’t look at each man as a candidate to scrutinize and dislike in advance because of the likelihood that he would eventually disappoint her LIKE ALL MEN.

That is exactly what Janie gave up. In doing so, she opened the door for a decent man, a good man to show up. AND HE DID!

Janie claims that she and Bob are so much alike they are like two peas in a pod. They really enjoy each other and have fun. She got the fun back in her life! But it’s not Bob’s doing. Oh no it’s all Janie. Because she got off the bitter bus and she got back into real life.

Congratulations Janie! I wish you all the love you deserve and can  handle! I am completely thrilled to hear this news, not only for Janie, but for every woman riding that bitter bus. Pull the cord, get off the bus and open to a world with possibilities – the possibility that you CAN FIND LOVE and THE RIGHT MAN FOR YOU IS OUT THERE.

Get off the bitter bus and discover what’s possible for you!

 

2 thoughts on “Dating Over 40: Janie Stops Looking and Finds Her Man”

  1. Hi Dee,
    Sorry to hear about your drama with men. And although the last guy sounds like a nightmare, I have to agree with your therapist. If you have a tendency to pick the same type of man, open your mind and heart (when you are ready again) to a different type of guy. When a client calls and tells me that she is dating someone completely different than her usual type – I get very exctied because it often leads to a solid relationship and marriage.

    The point of dating is to observe potential partners and watch for red flags. When you see the red flags (and they always show up fairly early,) don’t ignore them. It’s easier to get out early rather than down the road and if you see things that alert you , don’t hesitiate to walk.

    Wishing you love,
    Ronnie

    Reply
  2. I just read Janie Stops Looking and Finds Her Man. I can relate to what you said about giving up looking for a man. After 12 years being single, in 1995, I had come to terms with myself that I would be single for the rest of my life. I was not looking for a mate. One Sunday at church I met someone, David, and we clicked immediately. Just like Janie and Bob. To make a long story short we got married and moved from TX to GA. Ten years later, David tells me he never loved me and that we got married too soon after meeting (approx. 9 months). He had met someone else after knowing her for 2 weeks he asked me for a divorce. It’s been 3 years now and I go to singles dances all the time. Some ask me out, but they are the ones I do not “click” with. A counselor suggested that if I meet someone that is different from what I’m usually attracted to, give them a chance. They may be a good man, since I have a history of marrying narcistic men. I tried it last summer and ended up having to file harrassment charges because he would not stop calling & texting me when I told him it was not working for me. (He had a huge jealous streak). Now I feel I’m overly cautious and have a wall so think, no one is interested in me. I’m told I’m a very attractive woman and in good shape.

    Anyway what I see in Janie’s story is mine at the beginning. Then suddenly they leave.

    Dee

    Reply

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