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Understanding Men: Why Didn’t He Just Breakup With Me?

understanding men, find love, dating coach, breakup

Need Help Understanding Men?

Do you have trouble understanding men?

Do you wonder why men string you along or don’t breakup with you? You are not alone – this happens to a lot of women and to me! Read on so that you can avoid this situation in your love life.

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,

I met a guy online who initiated conversation and we  hit it off right away.  We exchanged phone numbers and I let him text me first. He never pushed to meet me, but wanted to go on a date, even though he knew I was uncomfortable with online dating.

After two weeks, I finally agreed to meet  him and we made it through the awkward first meeting. We eventually hung out again 3 weeks later, he cooked me dinner, which was his idea and we had a really good time. He never tried anything, gave me a hug at the end of the night and that was that.

We hung out a few days after and ended up sleeping together. Mind you, we had texted each other everyday, for about a month and a half up to this point, with the conversations usually initiated by him. Then he went on vacation for a week and after that became distant. I  texted, but he said he going through a rough time with work and was thinking about moving back up north to his family. He felt bad and said this isn’t how he wanted things to work out and if he had known he would not have started with me.

He said he still wanted to see me, plans were made, but “something came up”.  The other day, after talking only twice in two weeks, I asked what was going on. He replied, sorry, I’m burying a friend tomorrow, but it was nice to meet you and hope you feel better. Of course I sent my condolences, and said that I enjoyed getting to know him, and sorry I didn’t get to know more.

He apologized, said he was just lost right now, and not to take it to heart. I explained that he could’ve just told me things were going on, etc.  I knew he had people to get him through it, but I would’ve been there. I got a ” You will never know what that means to me and we will hang out again. I’ve just been spending time with my family, but I will get back to socializing.”

I know I am being strung along, can’t figure out why he cant just end it, get over it and give me the closure, but maybe I just need someone to tell me. Thanks for your help.

Strung Along in Stratford

Dear Strung Along,

Please know that I don’t intend to sound mean. I’m telling you the truth since you said you need someone to tell you and help you find closure.

You may have trouble understanding men, but this guy did tell you at least twice if not more, that he wasn’t available, he felt lost and busy at work. When a man says, “I’m busy with work”, it means “I’m not that into you”. (Thanks to Gregg Berhandt author of the book He’s Just Not That Into You). When a man says he’s lost it means he’s not relationship ready. Neither one kept you from seeking him out, so then he told you he lost a friend and was hanging out with family. But still you wanted to know why he didn’t lean on you.

You also ask, “Why he didn’t just end things?” Truth is, he did in this indirect way. Many guys can’t deal with feeling mean. So they do what they can to make the woman end things. Unfortunately you didn’t catch on to his subtlety and kept going back for more.

As a dating coach for women over 40, my question to you is: Why didn’t you end things? This man slept with you, then slowed communication, told you he wanted to see you, but cancelled. Do you even know for sure he went on vacation? I hate to say it, but that could have been another excuse not to be involved.

Now, I know about this from my own life experience. My college boyfriend would pull away, then come back. Over a three year period he played me like a yoyo – and the worst part is, I let him do it. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t breakup with me, so I thought he must still love me. I didn’t love and respect myself enough to dump him until senior year. No one ever told me that this was not how love works and I deserved better treatment. I had to figure that out for myself.

It’s not enough to get help understanding men. You also want to get very clear on how you want to be treated. You deserve better!

If you read the post where you left this comment – it’s full of women complaining about men texting, but not asking them out. Texting is meaningless and very low effort for men. Men string women along with texting all the time because its an ego booster and good for fantasy, among loads of other reasons. And, because women think it has meaning.

Please consider these dating tips for the future:

  • If a man texts you but doesn’t ask you out, stop texting him
  • If his texts slow down, stop texting him
  • If you prefer to talk on the phone, tell him and stop texting him
  • Don’t confuse a man’s texting with showing genuine interest – he needs to date you and spend time with you
  • If a man tries to push you away by saying he’s busy or lost or doesn’t want a relationship, believe him and move on
  • Let go of men who are inconsistent with dates, spreading them out with weeks in between
  • Hold off sleeping with men before you have enough dates to see some genuine interest and consistency

I don’t have any judgment about when people sleep together. For women to avoid heart break, it’s simply best to hold off a while. Sometimes women get prematurely attached after intimacy, especially when it happens in the first three dates which can lead to  unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Sometimes women think sleeping together means a man is truly interested, but it just means he wants to sleep with you.

As a dating coach for women, my heart goes out to you for having to learn so many difficult dating lessons with just one man. On the other hand, now you are so much wiser and know better. And that is great news for your romantic future and finding love.

Wishing you love,

 dating coach, find love, meet men

 

He Texts Me Everyday, But Doesn’t Ask Me Out

Are you having trouble understanding men and
why he texts you every day?

Understanding Men – That ‘s a Big Question

You are not alone wondering why “He texts me everyday so why doesn’t he ask me out?” This is such a constant problem for single women of any age.  I just got this email from a woman who is confused by the mixed signals she’s getting from a guy she had one date with. Maybe this has happened to you?

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“Dear Ronnie,

I had a first date with a guy two weeks ago. It went really well and I texted him the next day. He said he was would love to see me, but was busy. I am having trouble understanding men.

Since then he texted me every three days. First he said he hoped he had time to see me at the weekend, so I thought he would call. At the weekend he texted me after 6pm on Saturday and said he was with a friend, but wished he knew I was free. Three days later he texted he would like to spend time with me this weekend. I replied I would be free. On Saturday, he texted me about 8:50pm and asked me how my day was. I texted back it was fine and he replied he spent the day painting for a friend.

Is he playing with me? Why does he hint he wants to ask me out, then does not?? Please help me with understanding men.

Thanks so much,
Texted and Confused in Missouri”

 

Dear Texted,

When a man says he wants to see you but, doesn’t make the time, its called “Stringing you along”. He is seeing someone else or a few other women, but wants to keep his options open with you in case the others don’t work out. A lot of men do this. (Women do it too.) I’ve also heard it referred to as “chatting you up” when a man calls to talk, but doesn’t ask you out.

Really its the same thing. The men who contact you with no intention of setting up a date or making time to see you are a dime a dozen.

Dating is a lot like playing poker

In addition, this guy purposefully texts you on Saturday night  to see if you are home or out. He’s doing some detective work on you. If you answered his texts right away, you communicated unwittingly that you have nothing else to do. Plus, you revealed that you are very interested and hopeful about him.

As I would tell any of my dating coaching clients, your responses have actually lowered his attraction to you. Had you been busy and responded a few hours later or the next day, that would have made him more curious about you. A woman who is busy and sought after, is always more attractive.

Dating is a lot like playing poker, you don’t want to show your hand because you give the game away. In this case, you don’t want a man to know you have nothing to do on a Saturday night or that you are more interested in him than he is in you.

Understanding Men: If He’s Truly Interested, He Will Ask You Out!

As a dating coach for over 14 years, one thing I know for sure  – when a man is truly interested in you, he will ask you out. He’ll want to see you. No matter what that man has to do, he will fit you into his schedule. So, painting “for a friend” (probably his current girlfriend) on a Saturday night would not get in his way.

My advice is to ignore his meaningless texts and let him go. But, let me warn you, ignoring him may cause his interest in you to increase. That’s because you are invoking “the chase” which men still get hooked on. The chase is still alive and well. Men like to work towards a goal.

That’s why I advise my dating coaching clients not to text, email or call a man the day after a first date. Don’t invade his space by communicating. Instead, thank him on the date and tell him you had a good time. Then, in basketball terms, drop the ball in his court and leave it there. If he’s interested, he’ll pick up the ball to call and ask you out.

So, if Mr. Text suddenly starts showing you more interest or calls to ask you out, please remember this. After one date he decided not to see you again and started stringing you along. Is that really the kind of guy worth dating? Is that the kind of guy you want to open your heart to? I doubt it.

Wishing you love,

he texts me everyday

 

PS. If you want to improve your ability to understand men and get more savvy dating advice, sign up for my newsletter. You’ll also get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes Women Make that Keep You Single!

Photo Credit: The Unquiet Librarian

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