Tag Archives: dating coaching

Find Love: What’s Your Year End Love Life Recap Look Like?

find love, love life, meet men, dating coachingWant to Celebrate the Holidays with Someone Special in 2014? Start looking right now!

The end of 2013 is approaching and I am wondering, how does your end of year love life recap look? What have you done to find love?

Maybe you didn’t meet the man of your dreams this year, but there are other positive measures to consider while on the dating journey.

  • Did you meet new men?
  • Did you go on dates?
  • Did you try any new venues or groups?
  • Did you have any blind dates
  • Did you learn anything new about yourself and the man you are seeking?
  • Did you improve your flirting abilities?

Everything you do and every man you meet brings you one step closer to the right man for you.

As a dating coach for almost 12 years, I completely understand how hard it can be to stay positive, especially during the holiday season. This is the worst time of year for some single women who have a strong desire to be in a loving relationship and create memories with a special man.

I want to encourage you to create your own love life recap. This is your chance to feel good about any efforts you made towards fulfilling your goal of a loving relationship. I applaud every single thing you did – whether you took some huge action or a tiny little step to help yourself find love. It all counts and makes a difference!

I’ve created an easy Love Life Recap form to fill out for you if you’d like to download it. This way you can simply print out the  document and fill it in. Hopefully all the lines will help jog your memory about the things you tried during 2013 to find love.

After completing this exercise, I have another suggestion. Print out this version for 2014 and make it your Love Life Goal Sheet 2014. Use the sections to choose what new steps you’ll try in the coming year. Work from the form to determine your New Year’s resolutions.

You can find love! People fall in love every day. The question is, what will you do to make finding love a reality in your life? I don’t want you to be like Courtney, from Bravo TVs “Courtney Loves Dallas” who is waiting for the magic of love to happen to her. Being active is your best chance for crossing paths with the right man.

3 Ways to Broaden Your Dating Game and Find Love in 2014:

  1. Check out www.MeetUp.com for singles groups and evens in your area. You can join for free, then look up singles events within your zip code!
  2. Post a profile online and get over your worries, fears or bad past experiences. This is still one of the fastest ways to jump start your love life. If you want to know where men over 40 and 50 are, they are online in big numbers!
  3. Enlist your friends for help and get them to fix you up with friends, colleagues, neighbors and family members. I met my husband on a blind date after meeting his sister in a bar. They way everyone knows 250 people approximately, so if you only ask 10% to help you, If’s 25 people know 250 others, that’s 6,250 people to pick from! 

This is your love life I’m talking about. Take a stand for yourself. Commit to a plan of action to find love and then follow through. I’m your cheerleader for love and I’m going all out to root for you. 2014 can be your year and 12 months from now you could be having that romantic holidays season that you wish you were having this year.

 

Dating Coaching: My Clients Find Love or Get Married and Thank Me!

dating coaching, find love, meet men, online dating, getting married

My Client Is Getting Married!

Ever Considered Dating Coaching?

I am so excited! This has been a week of happy clients which warms my heart and makes everything I do so worthwhile. After all, this is why I work as a dating coaching – to help single midlife women find love!

So let me share the two emails I got this week with you below so you can see for yourself that my advice does work! And it works well!

Love Story #1

 

“Hi Ronnie, I took your How to Sizzle vs. Fizzle Online workshop last year and found the class to be very practical with a ton of useful advice. I followed your advice (well not to the letter, but close enough). Above all, you gave me the courage to “get out there”. Why am I telling you this? I’m getting married next weekend! Thanks for that little push!”  –Tina

Like most women dating after 40, Tina had some reservations about online dating. She was not sure what to say in her profile, what site to try or what to expect. But, she did the smart thing and decided to learn what works with dating today and how to avoid the common pitfalls that cause frustration, disappointment and heartbreak too.

Apparently Tina was a very good student! With some help and encouragement, she pushed past her concerns to try my expert dating advice and put her own spin on it. Now she’ll be walking down the aisle as she marries her new love next weekend. I’m so happy for her!

Love Story #2

The next email I got was from Patti who is in a new romance. She keeps me posted on how things are going and I love to hear from her. Patti has a level of sophistication, but lives in a rural area which makes it a bit harder to find what she wants. Dating was sometimes challenging to meet enough men, never mind with the intelligence and life experience she was seeking.

A widow, Patti had been in a long and loving marriage. But she had been single for some time and was very ready to find love again. We talked about how to stay positive and especially how to use her feminine charm with men. She always made an effort to implement the strategies we discussed. Even though there were dry spots along the way, her perseverance produced a wonderful man who appears to be simply crazy about her. What woman doesn’t want that?

Here’s the email Patti sent me this week:

“Hi Ronnie, I wanted to let you know that my romance continues to be blissful and passionate…it’s almost 4 months. He is the most wonderful man and our relationship is so great. He is also wildly in love with me, which is so nice:)

AND…really…I don’t think the story would have such happy chapters if I hadn’t done coaching and classes with you. What I learned was invaluable. Your influence, especially around femininity and letting the guy drive, is profound. It’s also really fun. Thank you thank you thank you” –Patti

So, I’m in my office this afternoon wondering, who will be next to find love? Will it be you?

Dating coaching can open your eyes to ways of looking at dating and conducting yourself that you would never come upon on your own. Why do things the hard way so that it could take so much longer? Why expose yourself to potential heartache that you could easily sidestep with some expert advice?

The good news is, I’m here for you whenever you are ready. What about this weekend? If you feel like this is really speaking to YOU, then why not give me a call? 203-877-3777 (east coast time). Let’s have a 15-minute conversation and see what you want help with and if I’m the one who can offer what you need.

 

As always, wishing you love,

dating coach, find love, meet men

 

 

Understand Men: Sleeping with You Doesn’t Make You His Girlfriend

dating coaching, dating coach, first date sex

Sleeping with him doesn’t make you his girlfriend

Do You Understand Men?

Discover how this single woman has confused sleeping together with romance and how you can avoid this same pitfall

Hi Ronnie, The Dating Coach for Women

Met a guy online and we sparked each others interests sexually. I went to his place after few weeks of flirting and chatting. He hasn’t been with anyone since he left his fiance a year ago. He said I’d awoken something in him that’s been dormant for a long time. His 36 and I’m 34 and he seems a real gentleman. Country boy. Good values. Shy. Lots of mutual interests. Two weeks ago on Saturday night I went to his place for our first meet. He commented how he loved my confidence. Three days later on Tuesday, I suggested another meet. He welcomed me over. We chatted lots.

He cancelled going away home the next weekend so he could see me again. He invited me over for dvd, spa and to cook me breakfast in the morning. He said he was glad I was impressed with his cooking. I suggested when I could cook him dinner next and he suggested a few days later Tuesday, but we made no plans.

After that breakfast, I didn’t contact him. Tuesday night came and I texted him. He responded he’d been up early to pick his boss up so was tired but said I’ll have his lips soon enough. He also told me not to stress that its only Tuesday and that I think too much. uh oh…

We ended up chatting on the phone and he said he isn’t really online much anymore since we started meeting and it’s better in person. Since we spoke on Tuesday I pulled back on my contact. He messaged me today saying “morning gorgeous hope you have a great day”. I replied morning handsome, you too. It was left at that.

I’m not sure if I am over thinking or whether this guy is just taking it slow. Why would he make me breakfast on 3rd visit and spend 20 min chatting the other night. I looked back and noticed I had initiated every meet except the night I stayed over last weekend.

He’s going home this weekend so I won’t see him but I thought he try to see me before going. Am I worrying over nothing? Should I just sit back and see how he plays it out and if he initiates any meet up next week?

Many thanks,
Breakfast Gal

Dear Breakfast Gal,

Unfortunately, it looks like you are confusing sleeping together with romance. Even though you started your note to me by saying how you sparked each other sexually, you need to understand men better. Let’s break down this situation to look at the elements.

1. The Purpose of Dating is to Collect Data
It’s hard to understand men and know why they respond to a woman’s contact or invitations. Is he flattered? Curious? Wanting sex? Or romantically interested? There’s noway to know the answer when you initiate. This is why I recommend letting the man lead during the beginning phase of dating which is the first 4-10 dates.

When a man pursues you, you can learn more about his intentions. You can see when he chooses to text or call, how long he waits between contact, how often he asks you out. You’ll know if you are a last minute idea or if he’s a planner. It might take 4-10 dates to know how serious he is, but it will become more clear with time.

2. You didn’t call your meetings “dates”
When you have slept together right away, it’s hard to know if you are “dating”. It does happen occasionally. But you didn’t call these three meetings dates, you called them “meets” which to me is very telling. You knew they weren’t dates.

3. Gauge his interest by his effort
You assume making you breakfast and talking on the phone are his efforts to “woo” you and show he’s interested. But you see, he’s already won you over and did nothing to get there because you initiated. So he doesn’t have to keep up with contact – you always did it. For his part, making eggs is a breeze. He’s done nothing to pursue you and now you can see that since you stopped contacting him and haven’t heard anything.

4.  Sleeping with you doesn’t make you his girlfriend
I know this might seem confusing but perhaps he just wanted to get his rocks off and after three times, he’s all set. He liked your confidence because he thought you’d be good with this “no strings attached”, casual arrangement. Once you showed vulnerability, he pointed out that you think too much…He’s not taking it slow – he took you fast.  Unfortunately, interest in sleeping with you is not the same as interest in romance.

5. Listen for “Player Lingo” to understand men
He tells you it’s been a long time for him since he left his fiance and you awoke something in him? Balderdash! This is romantic nonsense to suck you in. It makes you feel bad for him and good about you because you must be something special to wake him up. This is “player lingo”. When you hear this kind of sweet talkin’ from a nice southern guy (or from anywhere), watch out!

What should you do now?
Here’s my dating coaching advice to understand men and figure out your next step:

  • Forget this guy – there’s no romance here, just sex
  • Get back online and this time, let the men lead.
  • Hold off on sex to let the guy show you if he’s really interested in pursing you or just sex
  • You can be friendly to men online – email them to see if they respond. That’s OK. But after that initial exchange with any particular guy,  hang back and follow his lead.

If you want more to read dating coaching advice on this topic, check out these posts:

Hooking up or hanging out

Flirting and Attraction Don’t Mean a Thing

feminine-charm-millionaire-matchmaker-2-alpha-females-fall-flat-dates

Dating Coaching: How Do I Know When It’s Time to Move On?

 

dating coaching, understand men, find love

Dating Coaching: How do you know when it’s time to        move on?

Dating Coaching provides access to expert and unbiased advice.

Dating can be an emotional roller coaster and straight talk from a dating coach like me will save you tons of time and heartache. Read on to see if you can relate to this reader’s situation.

Hey Ronnie,

I need an unbiased opinion that I can’t get from family or friends. I was dating this guy for three months – we were really close and when I asked him how he felt about us he stated that he really liked me. He continued saying it was too good to be true. After that day, our communications were short and I began to feel he was starting to push me away.

I questioned him and he apologized, saying he had a lot going on. He asked me to give him time. Two weeks passed and nothing. So I told him if he couldn’t make time then we should just end it.

He started dating someone else and they lived together. I backed off and gave him space since it was me that ended things although a part of me feels as though he walked out before I put it in words. He got mad at me because I accused him of being standoffish and treating me like I had done something awful to him. He flaunted his relationship in my face by bringing her shopping in my community. Ouch. It took me a long time to get over this. I began to focus on myself (working out, getting more involved in the community, and just becoming more active).

Turns out the women left him after she cheated on him. I felt bad for him and continued to talk with him after his break up. I was still interested in him despite everything. He said didn’t want anything serious, but he asked to hang out the following week. I was a little dumbfounded, but due to obligations I said no. We never picked a specific day or time…Needless to say, I have not heard from him.

In an effort to do things differently, I have pretty much not allowed myself to overreact. I am slowly getting to the point where I can let go of him. I do care a lot about him and I want him to know that I am still interested…but I am not waiting.

Is this wrong? People feel that I should have not responded, but the problem is that I would have regretted it. Now I can look back on this situation and know that I have done all I can.

Thanks,
Done in Cincinnati

Dear Done,

This is such a long letter (I’ve edited it down some) and there are so many things to comment on. This is where dating coaching would really be helpful because I see a lot of confusion in what you wrote. You asked for unbiased so here it is. Please know while I”m being so direct, I do have your best interest in mind. But I want to be clear to help alleviate some of this confusion for you.

1. I advise my dating coaching clients not to ask a man after 3 months how he feels because it can push a man away – as it did in your situation. After that he got scarce and you ended it – which was appropriate.

2. When a man says “he needs space”, that’s a nice way of saying, “You are not the one for me”. Then you accused him of being standoffish? You weren’t dating him so your expectations are off base.

3. He was living with a woman and you kept in contact? That would have been a good time to move on and find a new man who was interested in you.

4. When a man says he doesn’t want anything serious – BELIEVE HIM! “Hanging out” is code for “friends with benefits”. Then he didn’t follow up with real plans? More clues for you – he’s not truly interested and not the right man for you.

5. Focusing on yourself and letting go of him – yeah! First – there is nothing to hold onto really – you are not in a relationship with him. You maybe holding on to dreams about him, but is that real? Second, focusing on yourself will help build your self esteem and make you more desirable. Men are attracted to confident women!

6. Your advisory team is RIGHT! Stop talking to this man who is not giving you what you want. I’m not blaming him – after all, you have been open to communicating with him. It is up to you to aim higher and choose better for yourself. Listen to your advisers – they are smart. If you want a loving relationship, please move on, take care of yourself, build self esteem and stay away from men who want to “hang out” or don’t ask you out on dates.

Wishing you love,
Ronnie

9/23 – Flirt School – 2-Session Teleclass

What Makes a Woman Absolutely Irresistible to Men?
She’s Friendly, Flirty and Delightful!

Take a minute and ask yourself is that how men see you?

If you answered “No” or you aren’t sure, then it’s time to work on your flirting skills girlfriend!

What the Heck is Flirting Anyway?

Sometimes women are confused about flirting. They think it’s tacky, sleazy, or aggressive. I’ve heard women say that it’s se.xual or even manipulative. Not at all! That’s not how I talk about or teach flirting. Flirting is simply a spontaneous, entertaining and playful way to interact with people. It’s friendly and fun. And it helps men feel comfortable around you.

This new teleclass is exactly what you need to learn about feminine charm and make this graceful shift. Flirting is essential for your romantic success at any age!

What Will I Learn?

Discover simple flirting tips and sure-fire ways to heighten your feminine charm around men so you can be come simply irresistible to them. Find out how you can become the woman that attracts men like bees to honey. You’ll learn how to:

  • Increase your s.ex appeal
  • Connect with men without saying a word
  • Make a man feel special
  • Activate a man’s masculine energy
  • Strike up a conversation with men you don’t know so easily
  • Attract more men than ever!

 

“After just one session on flirting, my girlfriend and I decided to give Ronnie’s
suggestions a shot. We could not believe how EASY IT WAS and how well these
simple tricks worked to capture men’s attention. You have got to try this!”
                                                                                                                 – Susan, CT

What’s Included in this Two-Part Program?

  • Two (2) hour-long teleclasses loaded with proven tips to flirt with ease and attract more men
  • Audio program I’m So Alluring – Visualization to heighten your allure naturally – a $20 value
  • The ebook: We Asked Him! What Midlife Single men Think about Dating Love and Women – a $20 value
  • One (1) Inner Circle Membership Call to ask your  burning questions about men, dating and flirting – a $20 value
    In addition to the core flirting program, you’ll get $60 worth additional materials and calls!

Program Details

When: 2 Mondays, September 23 and  30 from 8-9pm edt, plus October’s Inner Circle Call  on 10/14

Where – This is  a virtual program via Teleclass – call in details provided after registration and no special phone equipment needed

 Click Here to get all the details and  Register Now!

 

 

 

Dating After Divorce: 8 Things You Need to Know Before You Start Dating Again

dating after divorce, meet men, find love, dating coaching

Dating After Divorce – 8 Essential Tips Before You Start

Are you ready to start dating after divorce?

Maybe you’ve been divorced for years. Or maybe  it’s only been 9 months since your marriage ended. Either way, you are feeling ready to get back out there. Good for you! Before you get started, there are eight very important things you need to know about how dating works today to avoid the heartbreaking pitfalls so many women experience.

1. Unrealistic expectations. For some divorced women, even though they think they are ready to meet men, set the criteria  for the right men is set so high, they probably won’t want to date anyone. The only way to meet the right man is to meet lots of men and allow yourself to get to know a few. Disqualifying guys is the easiest thing to do. Instead, as your dating coach I want you to say yes to meeting men because that is the only way you can find a good guy.

2. Not enough expectations. OK, you may think I’m flip-flopping but for some women, they never set any criteria and will date any man who asks them out because , well, he’s a man. This extreme isn’t good either and will get you hooked on a guy that will probably won’t be compatible, just available. You deserve a man you enjoy, respect and get along with. If you’re dating after divorce, have some basic idea of what will work for you and qualities you are seeking, so you can disqualify inappropriate dates and save yourself a lot aggravation.

3. Don’t fall for Mr. Charming. There are some men who are amazingly charming. They know exactly what a woman needs and wants to hear to let down her defenses. They do nice things for you right away, plan the future early on, tell you how wonderful you are, and make themselves  the kind of guy you dream of. They do all this with one agenda in mind – getting you into bed fast. Some charmers will sleep with you once and be gone, while others might stick around for a while. Inevitably, they will move on to the next conquest.

I also call these guys “players” and you can read more in this post. Whether you’ve never been married or are dating after divorce, you could meet up with a charming player.

You can enjoy time with a player, just don’t fall for his lines like he means the, You want to watch to see that he is consistent with you over time – like at least 4-6 dates. If you  have 6 dates with Mr. Charming, he might be a decent guy. However, you can only tell by waiting it out to see if he calls and sees you regularly even if you don’t sleep with him and make him wait! Once in a while Mr. Charming can be for real, but it’s extremely rare.

4. Do not call or ask men out. I know it seems like all the rules of dating have changed and become modernized. sorry but that’s a big fat lie. This is one of the biggest pitfalls going for women. I tell my dating coaching clients all the time – do not initiate anything with men. You want to see what a man will do on his own without your prompting to know if he is interested and shows consistency over time. That is the only way to go if you want to date smart.

Think of ballroom dancing – you follow his lead, but he always takes the first step. This changes once you have enough dates that you move into the first phase of relationship – then you can contact him first on a 3:1 ratio. Eventually things will balance out but if you don’t follow this process, you could easily chase him away quickly.

When you wait to see what a man will do, then you can gather important data about his behavior. Does his interest seem genuine and consistent? There’s only one way to find out and that is to do NOTHING. So if he asks you out, then respond and say yes if you want to go. If he texts, you can text back or email or call, but don’t start anything.

5. Be fun and appreciative. Your job as a woman is to be a fun date, easy to be with, and appreciative of what he has done – if you like it. For example, if he picked a great restaurant – tell him that! Praise goes a long way to appeal to a man’s ego. Men choose women who make them feel good so please keep that in mind.

6. Forget having that honest conversation. So many women dating after divorce tell me when a man doesn’t call or something goes awry, they want to pick up the phone and have an honest conversation. This is direct approach, when a woman wants to simply ask a man directly why he did what he did. DON’T DO IT!

If you try the honest conversation, you will make the man squirm, feel pressured and very uncomfortable. He will say anything to get you off the phone and you will not have accomplished a thing. Once in a relationship, you can have the occasional honest conversation and should to see how you can work through situations. Just not when first dating.

 7. If he doesn’t ask you out, he’s not into you. Countless women feel the frustration of a flirtatious man who texts, emails, calls or talks to you in person, but never asks you out. Here’s a very simple rule of thumb, if he doesn’t ask you out, he’s not interested in you no matter what else he says or does. Thanks to Greg Behrendt and  his book

8. Learn about dating today. If it’s been years since you dated, then you must familiarize yourself with what works today. Read my book, MANifesting Mr. Right or read what other dating coaches have written. If you are over 40, then read things from experts who work with the over 40 crowd. Dating in your 20’s is not the same as in your 40’s, 50’s or 60’s. Find out the do’s and don’ts so you don’t fall into common pitfalls like so many women do. Date smart to guard your heart and find  the right man for you.

 

 

Dating After Divorce: Don’t Go to His House!

dating after divorce, dating coaching, date online

Dating After Divorce: Don’t Go To His House!

If you are dating after divorce or dating online, I bet you can relate to this story.

Hi Ronnie!

I really loved reading all your responses to questions from readers!

I recently met a guy online who he seemed very outgoing and even before we spoke he wanted to take me out on a date for my birthday and spend all day with me. I didn’t want to do that because I hadn’t even met him. So I told him movie and a dinner would be fine. We saw a horrible movie (LOL), then had dinner and had a really great great time.

He wanted to show me where he lived. I followed him to his place and we went in, but didn’t stay more than 5 minutes.  He walked me to my car and we hugged. I wanted him to kiss me, but he didn’t. He later told me he wanted to hold my hand during the movie and wanted a kiss.

I told him that I would love it if he kissed me next time he saw me. He invited me over to his house the next day, I agreed and went over. When I got there I was really shy and he was too. Well he kissed me and we ended up doing the deed. Take into account he and I have come from relationships that had lasted about 6 years.  We both ended with our exes.

Now I see him a lot. From the beginning I told him I wanted to go slow, but I guess we haven’t. We haven’t even been on a second date – all we do is hang out at his place. He always says he doesn’t have money. Yet spends money on ordering out, new laptop, and video games.

It’s been two months since we met and I know I want something more with him. He says he does too and that he already knows what he wants. I also recently asked him if he’d ever go to church with me. He said no. That’s really important to me. Before that he had told me that he thought he was not ready for a relationship and that hurt me.  I also hate what he tells me to have sex with my ex, go with my ex, skype my ex, etc.

How should I go about this situation? I feel attached to him now, so it would be hard to let him go.
Rosa

Hi Rosa,

This might not be what you want to hear, but this happens more often than you think when dating after divorce. You fell into his trap hook, line and sinker. When a man invites you over to his home or rushes to spend a lot of time with you before meeting you, he’s planning on sex.

You didn’t go for it on the first date, but he was patient. He floated the hand holding/kissing comment and you agreed so the rest was easy once you went to his home. In essence, you entered into an intimate relationship with a man you never dated. Unfortunately, you didn’t get to know if he was right for you and he didn’t have to woo you to win you over. This is an error many women make, so don’t feel too badly.

Time with you is a privilege
As I tell all my dating coaching clients, the purpose of dating is to get to know if someone is worthy of investing your time. You need to “vet” the man you plan on having a relationship with to see if he qualifies because time with you is a privilege.  That won’t happen in one date. Plus, once you have sex, it’s pretty hard to slow things down or be objective. The vast majority of women tend to bond with a man they have slept with – so you are not alone.

When a man says he’s not ready for a relationship, believe him!
men will often come right out and tell a woman who is dating after divorce (or anytime) that he doesn’t want a relationship. yet, women tend to ignore this. He’s happy to have a regular partner for a roll in the hay, but this man will likely never try to please you because he doesn’t have to. You already showed him you are willing to see him all the time at his place right?

Dating is a Game of Strategy
Women hate when I say this. Nevertheless, dating requires strategy and negotiation. It’s a lot like poker – you don’t ever want to show your hand if you want to win. It’s not a game of manipulation – but it does require being smart, understanding how dating works, knowing about men, and self-discipline.

Dating after divorce? Take things more slowly
Learn to observe your dates to determine if the guy is a match. Get comfortable with waiting to see what he’ll do to win you over rather than jumping in to make things happen or giving yourself to him on a silver platter.

It’s highly doubtful this man will do much to please you. He has no reason to change and I’m not sure he wants a deeper relationship. He’s happy to hangout, but that’s as far as it goes. Pushing you to reconnect with your ex is strange – sounds like he doesn’t want to provide the emotional support or hopes you can get it elsewhere. And why would he want you to sleep with your ex? The whole thing makes me suspicious. Does he invite you over or do you invite yourself?

He’s not making you happy now and never will
Rose – this isn’t making you happy already, after just two months. As your dating coach I’m asking you to rethink the idea of leaving him and get out now before too much time goes by. You will become more and more unhappy as you long for what you truly want in a relationship. Your situation is what women fear most – SETTLING because you are now emotionally invested in the wrong man for you.

He is not the only man on the planet who will date you!
Move on and date new guys. When dating after divorce, it’s wise to go slowly and hold off on intimacy. Don’t let a man know how much you like him, don’t call him or initiate dates or contact for the first 5-10 dates. These are traditional rules of dating that have not changed contrary to popular belief and still work beautifully today.

Wishing you love,

dating coach, find love, meet men

 

Dating Advice: Do Women Test Men? Should You?

dating advice, dating coach, dating coaching, find love, understand men

Dating Advice: Don’t Test Men

My Best Dating Advice about Testing Men

I was coaching a male client last year who talked about how women test men. I questioned him, “What do you mean by test?”  He explained that women test men by saying something sort of nasty to push his buttons. They try to shake his confidence. Or  ask questions like “Have you ever cheated on anyone?” as if a cheater would answer that truthfully! Kevin also said they don’t return calls, or even after he has confirmed a date, they stand him up.

I didn’t know these were tests and that a lot of women did this. I am very straightforward by nature. Not being a game player, I was surprised to hear all the games women play with Kevin as he genuinely tries to find love. (I know men play games too, I’m just saying I didn’t know women did this but apparently they do!)

Kevin said  he has learned to give it right back and discovered this actually works. He says they often smile and open up. Are they just trying to see if he can take it? As if the men who can deal with a woman’s bulls**t is somehow more worthy, interesting or lovable? That seems a little um…crazy to me.

Dating Advice from Dave Wygant

Today I got an email from Dave Wygant – a well-known dating coach who talked about this very topic. He asked his readers if they test men and why. Dave thinks women are afraid to simply be themselves. So they rely on testing to see if a man measures up to their standards. His dating advice is not to test men because it pushes them away and I agree!

When I was single and dating to find love, I asked men questions. I wanted to know how they felt about marriage. Now, this is sort of a dumb question because what kind of answer was I really going to get? But I could tell how a man felt by how much he squirmed or if they danced around it. Ultimately it never produced any worthwhile results. Who knew that I was testing men?

Dating Advice from a Famous Dating Blogger

I know a famous dating blogger who insists on asking men the first time she meets them why their marriage ended/failed. She feels she has to know this before she can move on to date the guy. My dating advice is this is a terrible idea!
1) Why bring up the unpleasant topic of divorce on a first date? Talk about fun stuff so you can enjoy each other.
2) Why bring up his ex wife? It’s like bringing her on your date and three is a crowd!
3) If the guy cheated on his wife, will he really tell you that? I doubt it. What’s in it for him to be honest?

The downside is that a man will see you as a suspicious, insecure women needing to know intimate details before you get to know him. As a dating coach for women, my dating advice is – this is not a great way to start a new relationship.

Don’t test men or question them in-depth on personal details you have no right to know so early. It’s a waste of time and could push away a nice guy as easily as a cheater or player.

There is only one way to get to know a man to see if he has long-term potential –  spend time with him. Observe how much time is between his calls or emails/texts. Does he wait three weeks to ask you out again or three days? Does he keep his word or is he full of excuses? Does he make time to see you or is he too busy with work or family? Forget your questions – talk is cheap and meaningless. Watch him. That’s how you’ll get to know if a man is worth your time.

At some point you will ask these questions. But later, when you start to trust and get to know each other, the stories will unfold naturally. Or you can ask later with less risk of turning him off.

If you would like more dating advice on how to understand men, register for the Love Mastermind starting Monday, March 11th at 8pm est. I hope you’ll join me so you can find easier ways to meet men and find love. Discover what works in these monthly group coaching calls and get the motivation and inspiration you need to find the right man for you.

 

Photo Credit: Shurik_13

CT dating coach, CT singles, Connecticut dating coach

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dating: 5 Tips for a Great First Phone Call

first phone call, dating, find love, meet men

Dating: 5 Tips for a Great First Phone Call

Dating: Will Your Phone Style Help You Get a First Date or Push It Away?

Many of my dating coaching clients have questions about what to ask during the first phone call. They want to know how to quickly weed men out. Understandably, most busy midlife women say they don’t have time to waste on the wrong men.

What I have found over the past 10 years as a dating coach, and from my own journey to find my own husband, this can be trickier than you think. If you mess up  the phone call, you could end up with few first dates and keep yourself single. Here are five tips to help you have a great first phone call and hopefully get a first date too!

1. Make a good impression – the first phone call is a two way street
Many women forget the first phone call is a two way street. It’s not just about what YOU want to know about him. While you have your detective work in mind, remember you also have to make a good first impression. The man you are speaking to is trying to decide if he’d like to date you.

That means you have to be friendly, warm AND pleasant. Your job is to create the desire within him to meet you by sharing your best self. Be enjoyable – someone the guy would have fun spending time with. If you only focus on getting through your list of questions, you won’t connect or be much fun. That could result fewer first dates.

2. Be realistic – you can’t learn everything in the first phone call
Dating is a process and it’s purpose is to “gather data “.  This often takes time. If you try to rush this, you risk turning men off. So, be realistic – there is only so much you can learn in a first phone call. To really know if a man is right for you, most of the time you have to meet him. You need to discover if you connect, have chemistry and the most important hurdle – if he asks you out.

My two matchmaker friends, Nicole of Compatibles and John of Tri-State Dating Service explain that phone interviews squash more potential matches than anything else. They both want me to tell you not to “phone date” which keeps too many people from ever meeting.

3. Keep your questions light – this is a conversation, not an inquisition
Men do not like to be “grilled”. (Neither do women right?) If you handle the first phone call like an interview and fire a series of tough personal questions at a man, he will get turned off.  This is an unpleasant interaction that will not serve you in any dating situation.

Questions like, “Why did you get divorced?” or “Why are you still single?” will only put him on the spot and make him uncomfortable. You aren’t likely to get the real answer any way early on. Why? Because people need to build trust and earn the right to share such personal details. The same is true for you.

What can you ask? Questions about vacations, favorite foods, movies, music and hobbies are all excellent ways to discover a man’s passion and get him talking. Then you can find out how he spends his free time to see if there’s a spot for you.

4. Listen to his voice, use your powers of observation and trust your intuition
If you can’t get every question answered, what can you hope to discover about the guy at the other end of the phone? Listen to his voice. Does it appeal to you or make you feel nervous? Trust your intuition here and in all dating activities. You are listening for red flags to keep yourself safe. In my 10 years of dating coaching, I have only had a couple of women tell me about a man who made them nervous. It doesn’t happen often, but do keep your ears open.

To determine if a man is worth dating, listen for his energy level and interest in you. As you listen to him talk, you’ll learn about his language skills, intelligence and disposition. This is all valuable information to determine if a man could be a good match without drilling deep into why his wife left.

5. Leave him wanting more with a short first phone call
Let’s say the call is going well and you feel like you could talk to this man all night. Don’t do it! You want to have something to talk about next time. Plus, you want to leave him thinking about you and curious to know more.

In addition, there is a tremendous risk to a marathon phone call which can work against you – over sharing! Women often get lulled into a sense of connection and then start sharing their problems which rings all his warning bells! Instead, end the call after 20-minutes. Simply say, “I enjoyed talking with you but I have to get going.” Let him take the lead about deciding to meet or calling you again.

 

Photo credit: Cod Gabriel

Find Love: 5 Hot New Year’s Resolutions to Make Finding Love Easier

New Year's Resolutions, Find Love, Dating Coaching. Meet Men

5 Hot New Year’s Resolutions to Find Love

Are you  wanting to find love in 2013? You can do it for sure if you put your mind to it. Here are my 5 hot resolutions that will help you find love faster this year. Give it your best – after all, what have you got to lose right? It’s the gain that is so exciting – attracting the love you dream of into your life.

1. Find Love – Make it a top priority this year
Everyone complains about being busy. But you can squeeze in something that really matters to you. If you make finding love one of your top priorities, you will be surprised at how many opportunities show up to meet men. Of course – its  your job to notice the opportunity and take advantage of it. So, no excuses! If you slide and don’t make time to meet men and find love, how do you think it will happen? Apply yourself girlfriend and make your dreams come true.

2. Build Confidence – That makes you more attractive!
Did you know the #1 quality both men and women seek in a long-term partner is confidence? Yeah baby, that’s what I’m talking about. So you want to find ways to improve your self-esteem to feel good about yourself. Doing this will give you a magnetic appeal and help you handle possible rejection as well.

What can you do? For the outside, try a makeover, new hairstyle, or work with a personal trainer. Your looks definitely influence how you feel about yourself and your confidence level too. For the inside, learn how to be kind to yourself, appreciate what’s already wonderful about you and try some positive self talk to shift that internal negative chatter to a more positive train of thought.

3. Take the Pressure Off – Learn how to have fun!
When you go out, do you feel pressured to make something happen? That’s a sure way to get disappointed! Learn to relax and go with the flow of whatever takes place during the evening. Maybe you’ll meet the ideal man or a new girlfriend. When you are open to what comes your way, you can simply enjoy yourself which once again, makes you so much more attractive!

Go out with the attitude that you are happy to meet new people and take the pressure off. When you try too hard, there is a risk of feeling deflated. Instead, understand that the more people you know, the more people they can introduce you to! You never know where the kismet of connection will come from. I met my husband because I met his sister first, so be nice to everyone and you’ll have a lot more fun with the process.

4. Forget Your Type – Give more men a chance!
Do you have a type of guy you’re always attracted to and look for him all the time? This is one of the biggest challenges my dating coaching clients face is wanting a specific type of person. Can I encourage you to consider a wider range of men so you end up dating a variety of people?

What you might not realize is that your type, that person who has the yummy qualities you enjoy, also has the characteristics that cause your relationships to not work out. Take a moment to review the men you’ve dated who were exactly your type. Question is – where are they now? When you get past your type, you’ll find a better partner who you will be more compatible with in the long run.

5. Ask For Help! There are several ways to work with me
Women who get coaching find love faster than those who go it alone. That’s because they are more serous about the goal and want to do what it takes, while avoiding unnecessary mistakes. You can choose from proven, private one-on-one coaching, to inspiring group coaching and telecourses, to exceptional home study courses.

This year I want you to give up the struggle and ask an expert (whether it’s me or someone else) to help you fulfill your dream – to find love with an amazing man. Make 2013 your year to find love!

 

#1 Tip for Women Dating at 50+

Ready to Start Dating at 50+ But Have Been Out of Circulation for a While?

Dating at 50? Take the Pressure Off

When you haven’t been in the dating pool for some time, maybe years even, the idea of getting back out there can feel overwhelming.  You might be divorced, widowed, or single and have simply given up. So many questions plaque your mind when you think about this unknown and scary world after so many years.

Maybe you can relate to these concerns:

  • Where do you go to meet men?
  • What do you write in an online dating profile?
  • Which online dating site should you try?
  • How safe will you be?
  • What if the men aren’t honest?
  • What if you don’t like the men?
  • What if the men don’t like you?

I understand how hard this can be. With so much you don’t know, how do you even get started?

That’s why I want to share the #1 tip for women who are dating at 50 or over. I guarantee that this is not something you have thought of. But I also promise it will make all the difference in the world for when you start dating.

The #1 Tip: Take the pressure off yourself and the dating process!

Does that sound too simple? Maybe you think it doesn’t directly address any of those questions listed above. Let me share why something as simple as taking the pressure off can not only change your experience, but also your success!

1. Get comfortable with dating.
When you take the pressure off, you can focus on getting comfortable with the process. You can start to think of dating as just meeting new people. You probably know how to meet new people right? You might meet people at work, at a friend’s party, on the golf course, at your children’s school, or at church. You actually meet new people all the time even if you don’t look at it this way.

When you think about meeting men like they are just new people, you can relax and be yourself. This is a winning strategy because when you are relaxed, you appear more confident and that naturally makes you more attractive. And when you are comfortable, the men will feel that way too.

2. Handle dating rejection and disappointment more easily.
If you meet a man and he doesn’t call you again for another date, you can let it roll off.  After all, you are just meeting new people. So he wasn’t the right one? So what! It’s just one guy and you are meeting many men. When you take the pressure off, one date with one man becomes nearly meaningless. Talk about taking the pressure off – that is huge!

I get so many calls from dating coaching clients who meet a guy from online dating who doesn’t turn out to be who they thought he was:

  • He talked about his ex constantly
  • He never asked you one question
  • He just wanted to have sex
  • He has problems
  • He’s out of work
  • He is much older than his photo
  • He drank too much
  • He didn’t have good manners
  • He was so boring
  • He had no class
  • He wasn’t educated
  • He had no hair or was shorter than he said

My response is usually this, said with true compassion:

“He is just one man. Don’t let him stop you in your tracks. You just got started. Take the pressure off yourself and the dating process and go meet some new men.”

3. First dates aren’t supposed to be perfect.
When you get hung up on feeling hurt because you were rejected or freaked by how the man you met wasn’t who you thought he’d be, that’s an indication you need to take the pressure off. Your first dates will not be perfect. In fact, nothing and no one is perfect. Stop thinking your first dates should be magical to take the pressure off.

Your job as a woman dating at 50 or any age really is to:

  • Relax
  • Be your best self
  • Present your good side
  • Be positive
  • Be friendly
  • Be easy to talk to
  • Have fun
  • Say, “Thank you” at the end

That’s it. So when you look at it this way and take the pressure off, can you see how much more is possible? And how this can make dating so much easier?

Relax, take the pressure off, learn how to enjoy meeting new people. Your chances of finding love actually skyrocket when  you take this simple step.

 

Photo Credit: Wwarb

How to Turnoff a Guy in 3 Easy Steps – Part 2 – Honesty

When Honesty Is Not the Best Policy in Online Dating

This is Part 2 of a 3-part series on seemingly innocent dating errors that are actually huge mistakes that often push or scare men away. Its time to start thinking about your actions from more than what’s convenient for you. As your dating coach I am here to say it’s time to get STRATEGIC about your dating efforts and date with intention.

Here’s the next Turnoff out of three in this series about Online Dating blunders:

Turnoff #2

You’ve connected via email. Now he’s taken that important next step and called you!

He gets you on the phone and you have a good, but short conversation. You are in a rush/bad mood/tired/stressed out and don’t want a big long conversation. Since he knows you are ending the call, he takes a risk and asks to get together. You like him, but decide to tell him the flat out truth – you are just too busy right now.

WHAT??? Really? You are too busy to meet a man you like who has potential? That is a perfect demonstration of not aligning your desire with your actions.

There are several bad choices here that I’m going to point out:

1. If you are interested in meeting men, then you better have time to date.
Why go through the motions of emailing and calling if you don’t have time to get together face-to-face? This makes absolutely no sense. If you decide to date, then make it a priority. Otherwise you risk sending mixed messages that keep you from connecting. I guarantee it.

Strategically, if you really are too busy to date, put it off completely until you are ready to commit to making dating a priority in your life.

 

2. Do Not Put Him Off or Say You Are Busy
When you encounter a man who seems like he has potential – do not put him off! This is a very fragile timing because interest can be so tenuous. The littlest things can set a person off and make a promising situation go south quickly. I’m not saying you should drop everything – I don’t believe in that.

However, men don’t want to feel like you need to get out a shoehorn to squeeze them into your life. This is what I call “giving out crumbs”. This is a turnoff for women when men are scarce and not very available – and guess what? Men don’t like it either!

Strategically, tell him when you ARE free to see him which focuses on your interest in him – not your lack of time for him.

 

3. Flat Out Honesty Is Not Appropriate
Blunt honesty will not serve you well at this point. Remember dating is like a job interview in many respects where you want to highlight your best side.  A man’s ego is fragile and must be handled with care. If you tell him you are too busy because it’s true, he could easily conclude you are not interested. Why? Because that’s what women say who are not interested!

Strategically, you want to think about the risk of rejection he’s facing and reassure him that you are interested.

 

Recommendation #2

What can you say? If you have to push the first meeting out into the future, try this:

“I would love to meet you. How about Thursday at 7pm” Give him a concrete time and if he can’t make it – he’ll counter. Do what you can to not make any excuses, just tell him when you are free with in the next 7 days. Sooner is better of course. And if you can’t meet him within seven days – then do your best whatever that is.

 

If you missed the first part of this series, click here to read it. And  watch for the third part on Tuesday.

 

Photo Credit: The Cynthia

Online Dating: How to Turnoff a Guy in 3 Easy Steps – Part 1

Online Dating Turnoffs

 

Important Online Dating Tips – So You Don’t Push Him Away by Mistake

One of my male dating coaching clients (yes I do coach men and learn so much from them that I share with YOU!) shared this story with me. He really made me think about the things women do without even realizing how it turns men off or pushes them away.

Now, I’m not saying some of these unpleasant actions are rendered by women alone – I know men do many of these things as well. The point here, is that if you recognize these behaviors in yourself, its time to wake up! If you want love, don’t act like this before you even meet the men you’ve connected with via online dating. You are simply shooting yourself in the foot if you do!

Turnoff #1

You are emailing with a guy and the subject of talking on the phone comes up. This is great because its the step before meeting this new guy right? Excited, you tell him call me tonight (or I’ll call you tonight if you get his number).  But you actually have a lot on your plate and on your mind. Your day is crazy and this spills into your evening. So when he calls you, you do any of the  following:

  • Screen his call and decide not to answer – you can’t do it right now!
  • Pick up the phone, but tell him how awful your day was
  • Talk to him briefly, but cut him off saying you will have to call him back another time

First impressions are huge and people are usually at their best in the beginning. So, if you did any of the above, his first impression of you is that you can’t handle life, or stress, or your job, or kids, or yourself for that matter. And if you don’t answer, then are you demonstrating that you are a person of your word? It becomes questionable.

Recommendation #1

What should you do instead? Hey, I understand having a bad day. And things to come up that need your full attention. So I have two recommendations:

1. Put on a smile and muddle through a 10 minute conversation. Make sure you let him know you are happy he called and open to meeting him so he won’t be turned off by a short call.

2. If you really can’t handle the call, then yes, do not answer. But, email with a short apology that something came up and tell him another time you will be available to talk.

Read about Turnoff #2 and the solution tomorrow.

 

 Photo Credit: B. Vandenberg

New Interview: How to Sizzle vs. Fizzle with Online Dating

Online Dating Tips

I just recorded a podcast interview with eHealth Radio about online dating. In it I share some of my choicest secrets about how to get the attention you want online. The way to have success with online dating is not as obvious as you would think. There are definitely tricks to it that can help you connect with more prospects so you can find “The One” easier and faster.

The interview is just shy of 15 minutes, so in a quarter of an hour of listening pleasure, you’ll be so much smarter about online dating. As your dating coach, I want you to find love. I want to be there to help you date smarter and get through the process as quickly as possible without the usual heartache if at all possible.

Here’s a list of the questions I’ll be answering:

  • Why is dating part of a healthy lifestyle?
  • Is online dating really worthwhile? Can you really find good people to date on the web?
  • What are some of the Pros and Cons of Online Dating?What are a few Cons or drawbacks?
  • What about safety? Are there a lot of scammers and players?
  • What makes a good profile?
  • Can you give listeners a few tips for what to  avoid in their profile?
  • Do you know of any real live cases of people who met on line and married?

I hope you enjoy it and apply these tips right away to your online dating efforts.

Click here to listen now.

How to Say the “Right Things” at the Start of Dating

Untangling Early Communication with Your New Man

This is a Question and Answer exchange with a Dating Coaching Client that offers insights into several situations that often come up when dating. My client’s questions are in pink and my answers follow.

“You mentioned that men need to feel needed.  I am very self sufficient and initially I don’t know how to come across to let them feel needed.?  How do I do that?”

All you have to do is not make a man feel “un-needed” by going on and on about how independent and self sufficient you. Nothing wrong with being either, just don’t rub it in a man’s face being so proud of yourself.

 

“I went out for a walk with a man from  Match.com and he told me that his old girl friend was looking for someone who made a lot of money because she felt that he should pay for dinners since they were in a committed  relationship.  I feel that same way as she does.  I want him to pay for dinners when we go out.  I don’t have a problem making him meals at my house, but when we go out for dinner I want my date to pay.  What should I do?”

You have two choices. You can decide he’s probably not the right guy for you since he doesn’t have the same views on handling  money as you do. Or you can talk to him about your philosophy – that even in relationship you want to feel like you are on a date. When he pays, it helps you feel special and cherished. As the woman, let him know you will contribute in other ways to balance things out – like cook for him or whatever else you plan to do.

Tell him you see this as a partnership in which both people will feel appreciated. You can even ask him what helps him feel appreciated. And you could offer to pay once in awhile if that makes him happy.

Then see what he says to you in response – he may decide you aren’t the one for him. He may try things your way. Or he may share his viewpoint – then you can decide your next step.

 

“I also went out with another Match man twice last week.  He said he had a nice time and wanted to see me this weekend. He mentioned Friday and Saturday, but he said that his job is really busy because he has to work for a hospital.   As of today, I haven’t heard from him so I text him today and said “What’s up? Give me a call. ” I didn’t  know what to do, so I am just waiting, but it doesn’t  look good.”

Next time just go ahead and make plans if you haven’t heard from a man you are dating by Wednesday/Thursday. When and if he does call, you will be busy with your own fun life.

You can say to him, “Oh I already made plans but I’m free on Sunday” – or whatever your next opening is. That way you set up and maintain healthy boundaries and help him understand that he needs to call in advance to give you some notice. Plus, now you have your own plans to enjoy if he never does call which does happen.

Providing him with the positive feedback that you’d like to see him and telling him when you are available, sets the rules for dating you without spelling them out directly. It’s a positive way to make sure he knows you are interested in him as well, even though you have your own full life.

In this day and age of dating, independent women tend to think they can just be direct and honest with a guy. Some women tell me they just want to “lay it all out there”. But as your dating coach, I strongly encourage you NOT TO DO THIS.

Once you are in a relationship – of course you can be more direct and honest. But when you are just starting out, men have fragile egos. This makes the direct approach sometimes unpleasant, harsh, and simply unappealing. For so much of life, “presentation is everything” and in dating that goes double!

 

Photo Credit: Ells

Finding Love at the Airport – Magic Can Happen Anywhere!

Finding Love at the Airport

This is a great love story showing you that you really can find love any where when your heart, mind and eyes are open.

I just came back from a trip to Florida, helping my parents move. I’m very lucky when I travel and meet the most interesting people. The driver who took me to the airport  asked me what I do for a living and I told him I am a Dating Coach for women over 40. He was extremely curious and asked what are the biggest dating mistakes people make. I shared my insights.

Then he asked me how I met my husband. I told him my story, how I had dated 30 men in 15 months to meet my husband – number 30! The driver expressed his amazement at my story. Then I asked how he met his wife and he replied, “You’re going to love this story!”

On the fateful day Brent met his wife, he arrived at the airport at 4:30am to meet a plane from Brazil. It just so happened his friend Joe, who is also a driver, was there for a passenger on the same plane.

Joe, was nervously pacing, waiting for his passenger to deplane. He had two jobs back to back and was worried he’d never make it to his next appointment on time. Brent told him to cut it out. Worrying wasn’t going to make it better. Brent suggested that instead of pacing and looking down, he should enjoy the attractive Brazilian women who were coming off the plane.

One woman in particular caught Joe’s eye. She was rolling a cart with way too much luggage perched precariously. He joked with Brent that he wished she’d roll by him and drop a suitcase on his foot so he could flirt with her. Brent said its 4:30 in the morning and flirting was the last thing on my mind.

Next thing you know, the Brazilian woman walks toward Brent and sure enough a suitcase drops from her cart, not quite on his foot, but close enough that he could fake it. He started hopping around acting like he was in pain. The woman immediately starting talking rapidly in Portuguese which neither man understand. Then she switched to Spanish. Being from South Florida, Brent had picked up enough Spanish to understand most of what she said.

Turns out Bianca was here on a 6 month visa to learn English as her fourth language. She gave Brent her number asking him to please call her so she could buy him a cup of coffee to make up for dropping her luggage on his foot. She suggested he wait a few days to give her a call, so she could get settled in. After she left, Joe was mad saying that was supposed to have happened to him!

Brent was psyched to say the least.  Two days later he looked for the number and couldn’t find it! He drive himself crazy trying to figure out what he had done with her number, but after a couple of days, gave up with great disappointment.

Three weeks later a friend called, inviting Brent to a casual weekend picnic. He thought nothing of it until he arrived. There was Bianca! His friend and the party’s host was from Brazil and somehow Bianca had found her way there. Brent told me she asked why he never called and gave him a hard time. Then, it was like they knew each other forever and he claims they fell in love that night. It was just mean to be!

They married within four months and have been together now for over 10 years!

As I share with all my dating coaching clients, when you open your eyes, your heart and your mind, you can literally find love anywhere. It could be two people meeting by chance, a blind, date, a party, a Meetup, at the grocery store or bank, at the cleaners or dog park. Men are every where, even at the airport.

Next time you fly, look up from your book or texting. Smile and connect with the men around you. You absolutely never know who you might meet or who that person might know.

 

Photo credit: Cory Dalus

Why Men Mistake Your Ambivalence for Rejection

Men Mistake Ambivalence for Rejection

 

I Want Love, But First I Have to Build My Business, Paint My House, Clean My Closets…

This has been an interesting week. There has been a big surge in phone calls coming into “dating central” – my office on the second floor with a gorgeous view of flowering trees. With spring in the air, women are starting to think about love. For many, I don’t think its going to get much further than that.

Why am I so glum?

Well, for one reason I know what it takes to find the love of an amazing man. A decent guy – one of the few rare gems who can meet your standards and be the loving partner you dream of.  I’ve been single and dating over 40 and have been a dating coach for 10 years working with thousands of women.  That’s why I know if you want to find love, dating needs to be a priority.

Finding love, just like any other goal, takes consistent effort. It doesn’t require ALL  your time, but enough to ensure you meet a good number of men. Dating is still a numbers game. In order to find a good match, a man who is relationship ready and compatible for lasting love, you need to mingle, meet and date a quite a bit

The hard cold truth is this: DATING TAKES TIME.

Yesterday I met a woman who told me her number one priority right now is to paint her home. No problem, I understand things need to get done. However, she then asked me how long she can push a guy off for, while she’s trying to paint as much of her home as possible. I watched her body language as she literally pushed her arms away from her body in front of her, to keep a guy she actually wants to meet at bay while she paints.

The time for connecting with a man is a magical, delicate moment that can disappear in a flash.

It’s a persnickety, mystical moment that is limited. And when you push it away, you totally risk the potential of losing a love connection!

Here’s why the moment is fragile
You don’t like rejection and men don’t either. In fact, most men do whatever they can to avoid rejection. So if a good man senses any ambivalence, reluctance or hesitation regardless of your reason, he may get turned off and disappear – just like that!

Another aspect of rejection for men is that many women actually are not very nice. They may make men feel small or foolish with how they turn the guys away. For these reasons and many more, men are very sensitive about being rejected. So if a man gets any hint that you are resistant rather than happy to meet him, he would often rather move on to the next woman than go through a harsh turn down.

What can you do?
If you aren’t ready to date, that’s OK and your decision. Hold off as long as needed. But if you are ready to date, then make time to date. If you don’t, you are the only one who will suffer. And you will risk losing a man who might be “The One” because you had to paint your house, build your business or clean your closets. These are real reasons why women have told me they can’t look for love right now.

Don’t get me wrong. I totally understand. Looking for love and dating are very emotional endeavors. You do need to feel ready and be in the right mind set.  There’s no question about it.

However, keep this important truth in mind:

You will always need to work on your business. Your closet or something will always need cleaning. And your home will never cease to need maintenance. That’s all I”m saying. Life will be there for you to take care of. And part of your life is your love life. Don’t put off looking for love. And please don’t push away an interested man and risk turning him off unless you are certain you don’t want to be with him.

 

Photo Credit: SunFrog1

The Naked Truth about Dating and Social Media

Social Media and Dating

I read a great article by Stacy Kaiser from USA Today in which she offered very sound precautions about combining dating, love and social media. Stacy quoted some astonishing statistics from the 2012 Harlequin Romance Report and I want to share a portion of that with you here.

Check this out:

57% of single women have sexted and 69% of women dating have sent a naked photo via email or text

Ladies, did you know that everything you do in cyberspace stays in cyberspace? Oh yes its true. Even if you delete or erase your hard drive, if you used Google or other similar services, they store records of every single word and photo. That means what you think is a private exchange is anything but and in fact is kept some big server in the sky. All I can say is “Yikes!” Does that make you think twice about sending more photos? I sure hope so!

Personally, I think the web and technology have made many people much bolder. It’s easy to post your opinion when you can do it anonymously. But sexting and emails with naked pictures are not nameless are they? Not really since they can be traced to your phone or email account.

Have you noticed that people tend to say things via social media they might not ever do in person? That’s why 72% of women who are not currently dating, say they are likely to post an update on Facebook specifically to capture a particular person’s attention. Keep in mind all your “friends” will see what you wrote unless you are sending a direct message.

Here’s another important aspect to think about with social media. Today employers are known to check out prospects on Facebook (among others) prior to hiring them. You might want to keep that in mind if you plan on looking for a job in the near future. Or really anytime in the future, because the stuff you post will be there FOREVER!

This statistic is still another example of how folks feel bolder on social sites than in person.  Two thirds of respondents (67%) say they feel more comfortable flirting on Facebook than with someone in a bar. Not surprising really because when you are on Facebook, you are sitting safely behind your computer. You don’t get to see the recipient of your flirting activity respond in real time. You just get to see an on-screen response when they get to it, if they respond at all.

As a dating coach for women, to me this points out what social anthropologist have been saying for awhile – that we are losing our ability to communicate in person due to technology. If you don’t practice and get comfortable talking to new people face-to-face, how will you ever get into a relationship? Even when you meet via online dating, you still have to meet in person for a real date and to start a relationship.

Perhaps I’m too old school or cautious. Even if that’s true, I want to encourage both genders to think twice before sending naked pictures or posting comments online that may haunt you in the future. Think about what happened to Representative Anthony Weiner. Technology is fun but your post s, texts, and emails will never fade away.

Social media and technology definitely has a place in relationships today. The trick is to use it wisely. There is absolutely no replacement for in person communication. And there is no way to retract something once it’s on the web.

 

 Photo Credit: Woohoo Megoo

 

 

 

Midlife Dating: Could I Be Too Nice?

How to Balance Pleasing Nature with Your Authentic Self

Balance Being Nice with Your Authentic Self

Chances are you are a good person. On most days you do the right thing, whatever that means given the situation. You tend to have a good disposition and are kind. Does that mean you pay a penalty with men? Do you think it’s possible that you haven’t clicked with the right man yet because you are simply…too nice?

Let’s take a look at this scenario from a dating coach’s perspective. When is being too nice a detriment to finding love?

1. Do you over-communicate new man in your life? Maybe you text him the next day to say thanks. Text to see how his day went? Email to find out when you’ll see him next? Send him a message about how great your day was. Share a funny joke that made you think of him. If this sounds like your behavior, then YES, you are being too nice by over-communicating.

Men don’t like when women break into their private life without an invitation. One text here, one email there isn’t a problem. But many women start communicating up a storm and no matter how “nice” it seems, men want to set the pace and initiate contact with you.

This is true mostly for the first 4 – 10 dates.  Keep in mind that women use three times the number of words men do. So get to the point with your stories and limit yourself to mirror his communication style. In fact, some experts say the best rule of thumb is a 3:1 ratio. That means you only initiate contact once for every three times your man does. This is just for the initial dating phase so don’t sweat it. In relationship,that’s a whole different ball game.

2. Do you do nice things for your man from date one? Maybe a button fell off his shirt and you want to mend it. Or you bring him a tech magazine because  he reads that stuff. Perhaps you offer to cook for him to show off your domestic goddess skills. If this sounds like you then, YES you are being too nice by over-doing.

During the initial dating phase which can last from 4 – 10 dates, you want to hold off on your desire for care-taking. Men might want help and long to be nurtured , but first they want a romantic and sexual connection. If you jump into nurturing mode, you risk appearing too motherly which is certainly not sexy. Don’t muck up the attraction by mothering your new guy!

3. Do you go along with everything a man suggests? You don’t want to rock the boat or seem demanding so no matter what your new guy suggests, you just say yes. Even if you really don’t want to do it. For example, he invites you to a motocross race and you hate the noise level. Or he loves sushi and the thought of raw fish turns you green. As a dating coach for women over 40 I would encourage you to try new things and to say yes at least once to broaden your experience.

However, if you never express your true feelings and simply do whatever he wants all the time, then YES you are being too nice. The problem is you are setting up a way of interacting that will be very hard to break later. You want to do the activities he enjoys – of course! but what about what you like? Reciprocity is important for establishing a good foundation for a relationship built on equality and mutual respect.

Don’t be afraid to show your authentic personality as well as your likes and dislikes. Now if you hate everything and won’t try anything new – that’s the opposite extreme where you are inflexible and demanding. But asking to get some of your own needs met is a big part of a healthy relationship. Don’t let your desire to please overshadow your own desires.

The beginning of a new relationship is a little like walking a tight rope requiring a lot of careful footwork. But you are completely capable – just go for a balanced approach between your desire to please and your authentic self and you won’t have to worry about being too nice.

 

Photo Credit: Frozen Haddock

Does Social Media Help You Find Love?

Can You Find Dates on Facebook and Twitter?

dating via social media and Facebook

Do you use social media on a regular basis? Some people can’t be bothered while others claim to be addicted. Either way, people are starting to meet new folks via social media and that is what I am talking about in this post.

You can learn a lot about a person from what they post and their comments to others as well. It’s all out there on the web, so maybe its time you start leveraging it!

How to Meet People for Facebook Fans

1. Make as many friends as possible on Facebook. Look up college buddies, family, previous work buddies, etc. Get connected to them all.

2. Browse through your friends, friends profiles. Look at photos, read their comments, read their profile to see if you have any thing in common. Determine who you might want to get in touch with. People who are local to you will make things a lot easier.

3. To start to cultivate a new connection, look for something you can comment on. Watch for comments your friends make on their friends activity or see if they have something you can comment on directly. This can get the conversation going.

4. After some back and forth messaging, suggest getting together. Something simple like you’d do with online dating. a cup of coffee or a beer/glass of wine.

5. Voila! You’ve made a new friend and possibly a new dating prospect!

I read an article that claimed match.com was dead and now connecting via Social Media is all the rage.

Whether or not you decide to connect via social media, many people use this tool to learn about their dates prior to meeting. Have you ever looked up a guy on Linkedin or Fcebook? Haven’t you Googled a guy? come on, I know you have!

The Danger to Pre-Qualifying Your Date Based on Social Media

There is a downside to digging up dirt about your dates and making decisions based on social media. You can make some snap judgments that are off base or just plain wrong.  Plus, you can misinterpret what is being said so easily. Sadly, this happens all the time. The reason is that there is no substitute for human contact.

Getting to know people takes time – that’s all there is to it. When you give people a chance versus finding reasons to disqualify them, you are on the right track to finding the love you want and deserve.