Understanding Men: Why He Asks You Out But Leaves It Vague

When it comes to understanding men, sometimes a guy will ask you out on a “Vague Date”. He’ll suggest getting together and say you’ll talk about the details later. You might text a few times, but no details materialize.

understanding menSuddenly, it’s Saturday. You text asking if you are still getting together. He might text back saying something came up or not even respond. Now you’re facing Saturday night with nothing to do when you had been looking forward to a date! Why did he do that?

The “Vague Date” Keeps His Options Open

Some men like to hedge their bets to make sure they have a fun weekend. While chatting with you, he thinks seeing you would be fun, so he asks to meet you Saturday. Having you on the hook is a big relief and at the very least, he can see you.

Then he continues fishing online, viewing profiles, and chatting with women. He connects with another woman who seems better. Maybe she’s cuter, shorter, taller, younger, older, thinner, curvier, etc. Whatever his preferences or mood might be, he asks her out for Saturday night.

Now you can see why he didn’t make a firm plan with you. He was still looking for the best possible catch.

Understanding Men – Talk Is Cheap

My dating advice for women is not to take to heart what men say for the first several dates. This is especially true before you have a first date. Talk is cheap. A man can say sweet things that draw you in and make you adore him. He knows what a woman wants to hear, so it’s easy to say the right stuff.

Players know you want to feel he’s really into you,  thinks you’re the one, thinks you’re so pretty, etc. Other men use the “Man of Mystery” approach, getting to know you while revealing nothing. Some women are drawn in by this kind of man.

Remember “Talk Is Cheap”. You can enjoy what a new guy says to win you over, but don’t believe it, taking the bait all hook line and sinker. Only time will tell if he means what he says and is serious about you.

He might mean every word or be playing with you. Or, he might not know what he wants. Men don’t necessarily do these things just to get their way or be mean. Some guys just don’t know what they want so they act this way.

Understanding Men – Follow Through Is Gold

While talk is cheap, follow through is like GOLD. When a man says something and then does it, now you can start taking him a bit more seriously. A man who sets a day and time right away is showing a potentially deeper level of interest in you so watch his actions. When he follows through on promises and what he says, then he’s worthy of seeing again. This is one of the best ways for understanding men.

Dating is nothing more than a crude sorting process. You have to meet a lot of men and see them a few times to weed out the ones who are cheap talkers. It takes several dates to find out which man is serious about you. Watching for what he will DO to win you over is what matters most.

Any man can say nice things and make empty promises. You are looking for the guys who do more than “blow smoke”. You are looking for a man with integrity. A man who does what he says. A man who wants a relationship and wants it with YOU.

Keep Your Options Open Too

Next time a man asks to see you “sometime this weekend”, but doesn’t mention a day, time or place, don’t save the date for him. You can say yes, then keep looking too. As time draws near, you may be tempted to check in with him and ask if you’re still on. I don’t recommend it. If he’s really curious or interested in you, he should close the deal to make sure you are “off the market” for the weekend.

My dating advice for women is not get excited about a vague date. If there’s no day and time, then it’s not a real date. Until the details are firm, you are still available. He may follow through. But, if you have accepted a date with a different guy because the first one didn’t follow up fast enough, you can save face. Just say, “Oh I didn’t hear from you so I made other plans. But I’m free Sunday afternoon” (or whenever you are free next.) That lets him know you’re still interested and he’s still got a chance.

Learn to leave your heart out of figuring this kind of situation out. After all, if a man doesn’t know you, then he’s not rejecting you. He’s just making another choice. Understanding men is so much easier when you take your emotional attachment out of the equation and look at the situation objectively with a clear head.

For more on understanding men, check out this post on letting the man lead.

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19 responses on “Understanding Men: Why He Asks You Out But Leaves It Vague

  1. Jessica

    What if he asked you out and then had to cancel and reschedules in a very vague way ….I’m doing a marketing exhibition at the mall across from where he stays for six days. I didn’t tell him I’m here but one of my friends suggest that I tell him that I’m here if he wants to say hi….Would that look like I’m chasing him or would it be a good way to see if he is actually interested?

  2. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jessica, When a man reschedules in a vague way it’s because he doesn’t want to be nailed down or is avoiding making real plans. One way to clear that up is to tell him you are across the street. If he makes an effort, there may be hope. But on the other hand, when a man doesn’t initiate or make a real date with you on his own, that’s not saying much about how interested he is right? Chances are for some reason he has changed his mind. I know this is disheartening but there are other men out there to meet.

  3. KG

    Hello. So I had made plans with this one guy to go to a basketball game with me. He said he would love to go. Day before the game he texts me saying he cannot make it; he has to work. I was upset but understood. Ever since then, he has been saying we need to get together, hang out, or “I really want to hang out with you!” He told me he had an upcoming weekend open and I offered to drive over to meet up with him but then he replied, “sure, as long as nothing else comes up.” Is this guy even worth it? I almost feel as if he is stringing me along which is one thing I am not looking for right now. HELP

  4. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi KG,
    Yes he is stringing you along. And nope he’s not worth it. Is it OK to have someone say sure let’s get together unless something better comes up? No way!

    This is why I recommend not asking men out. Let them take the risk of rejection by asking you on dates to start. Then after 5 or 6 dates if things are going well, you can ask if he wants to do something and initiate. Before that, it’s best to let the man do that.

    Now you can be friendly and flirty to show interest. But if a man is interested, he knows exactly what to do to go out on a date. And if a guy doesn’t take this step, it’s simple- he’s not really into you.

  5. Monee

    Hello I’m friends with this guys who I have met only a couple of times. But we always stay in contact either via facebook or through text. I always text him friendly text message like how is your day going or just to see how he is doing but nothing more than that. But he has asked me out three times and every time I say yes or text him to let him know when I will be free he never text me back. I’m confused what message he is trying to convey to me. Because he is the one who is asking me out why ask me out if you going to do this please help me understand?

  6. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Monee,
    I understand why you feel confused so I hope to clear that up for you. This is exactly what the post is all about. When a man is vague about proposing a date like your Facebook buddy here, he is STRINGING YOU ALONG. He asks, but has no intention of actually going on the date. You can see this is true because nothing has materialized yet, even though you let him know when you are free.

    So the first time he did it you might think that he meant it. Then the second time he did it you might think, “Maybe he got busy and dropped the ball.” But the third time definitely shows you without question that he is wasting your time and playing with your head.

    I recommend only one such exchange – if a man can’t get it together to see you on a real date after asking you out, then don’t entertain future requests. But you gave him the benefit of the doubt like most women would.

    However, there’s no doubt now. Stop messaging and move on to find a new guy – this one is a dead end.

  7. Kim

    I’m Doing online dating site and confused .. We matched and he messaged me first we messaged for about a week it was good conversation .then he asked for my number ..he texted me for about a week some flirting he asked a lot of good questions.then said we should hang out sometime. I said ok let me know since he has weird work schedule. A few days went by with no text ..he then texted and said what day did I want to go out he said he was off the weekend I said lets play by ear he said cool. It was a snow storm that whole weekend and didn’t hear from him. I texted the next day and said I was out in his area. he texted right back said he was at work and he couldn’t. It’s been a week and no text since.. I’m Confused

  8. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kim, just like the post explains, when a man is vague, he’s not serious about you. Dump this guy and move on to find a man who is ready to date you. This guy has no intention of getting together. When a man wants to go on a date with you, he makes it happen. Last piece of advice, don’t tell a man “Let’s play it by ear.” Ask about a day, time and place or it’s too vague and likely not to happen.

  9. Anita

    Hi Ronnie, this guy messaged me and we started talking. We clicked instantly, our interests are the same (The only fishy thing is that he’s super charismatic and a lot of girls like him.) So then he asked me out and we set a date, but he flaked out on the day before. Now he says he wants to see me again, is it worth trying one more time? Or is he looking for an ego boost? By the way, he doesn’t message me as much as in the beggining.

  10. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Anita,
    It’s up to you and how you’ll take the potential second cancellation. If he flaked the first time and is a big flirt, he’s probably not worth it. But if you want to give him one more chance and won’t be all bummed out, give him one more chance. Who knows?

  11. TG

    Hi Ronnie,
    I have recently been meeting up with a guy that I worked with on a short a contract. He initially asked if I wanted to see a movie with him (back in December), but I was away for an extended period of time, so couldn’t. I dropped him a generic New Years text (when I was back in town), and he suggested that we meet for a movie or a coffee. We ended up meeting for a coffee. At the end of the “whatever it was” – he suggested meeting up the following week, if I was sorta, kinda free. It threw me, to be honest, because I couldn’t quite figure out what he was asking…long story short we met the following week, but again at the end of that “whatever it was”, he was like, “let me know if you’re free next week”. He is super courteous and attentive in person, he always picks up the check, we get on really well, but I literally have no idea whether he’s interested and I’m worried I’m coming of a bit aloof for fear of looking desperate – HELP!

  12. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi TG,
    Sounds like a date to me. He asked you out and he paid. Why are you confused? He’s lacking a bit of confidence by asking you to let him know when you’re free. But its also super respectful which you say he is. So not sure what seems strange.

    Men don’t come out and say, “I want to marry you. Let’s go on a date next week to see if there’s something to it.” He’s getting to know you with once a week dates – my husband did the same thing. Are you used to faster men who disappear? Slow and steady can work better. Just relax and see what happens. Maybe nothing – maybe something, but that is exactly the same with any man you date.

  13. TG

    Hi Ronnie,
    Thanks for the reply! Yep, I’m totally used to men who move quickly and disappear just as fast haha. Perhaps I tried something different.

  14. Cassandra

    Hi i have been dealing with a guy for 10 months now. At the beginning everything was good until 1 day he posted a pic of him and a woman on his facebook page. i asked him about it. he told me that just happen they broke up a month later. Then a month later he posted a picture again with this same lady, and now their not together anymore. When they were, he stood me up so many times, But he tells me he really loves me and now every time i ask to c him, he tells me he’s coming by and he never shows. But he doesn’t want me seeing any one else. i feel like a big fool for allowing this to happen for the past three months now and he is always working what should i do……

  15. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Cassandra, I want to encourage you to work on your self esteem. You deserve to be treated better like that. This is not a man showing you love – a man who cancels on you and posts photos of other women? He’s a cheater and a liar. You can do better. Don’t put up with such poor treatment another minute. It’s time to shut him down and move on. Next time you catch a guy posting a photo of another woman, walk away immediately. There’s no excuse that works. And a guy can cancel once but after that, move on. When you have the self respect to not put up with poor treatment, you’ll move on faster and find men who’ll respect you more.

  16. Patrice

    Hi Ronnie ~ I met a guy online two weeks ago and we immediately exchanged numbers to talk on the phone. Had a great conversation with a lot in common and talked for nearly two hours! Then we discussed meeting in person. I said that would be great and told him my availability. I thought I’d at least hear from him the following week. Haven’t heard from him since… I’m tempted to text him again and suggest getting together but just not sure what to do.

  17. Kee

    Hi!
    So this guy texted me earlier asking if u was still good to go for coffee I replied an hour and a half later cause I was at work and agreed also asking him what time we should meet. He read the messages and didn’t reply.

  18. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Kee, when dating you’ll encounter plenty of people who drop the ball. This happens to men as well, not just women and it’s part of the dating process. Don’t let it get to you – just move on and find someone new to meet.

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