Understand Men: Mixed Signals from Men Are So Confusing

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Understand Men: Are You Confused by the Mixed Signals from Men

Understand Men Who Confuse You with Mixed Signals

Hi Ronnie The Dating Coach for Women,

Two months ago I was in another town on business. When I got to my hotel that night a guy I went to High School with had messaged me on Facebook saying he thought had seen me in his town and had I been there? I told him I had. We exchanged a few short messages, then he asked me to dinner. I told him I was leaving town the next day. He said to let him know the next time I was in town and we could “grab a bite to eat.”

Three weeks later I let him know I would be in town the next day. He said that unfortunately he was busy and he couldn’t make it. But when I pulled into town the next day he texted me and asked me to lunch. We met for an hour. We haven’t seen each other in 20 years. He’s 40. I’m 39.

Anyway, we left the lunch with no future plan. I was a bit confused as to whether it was a date or not. A few hours later I texted him to say it was great seeing him. He said he loved chatting and “let’s do it again sometime.” So a few weeks later I let him know I’d be in town in a few days and asked if he wanted to get together. He invited me to his house for dinner. He’s a trustworthy guy so I accepted. Still couldn’t tell if it was a date.

Anyway the night before he called to cancel because he had to work an extra shift. But he said we needed to get together the next time I was in town. Anyway, I kind of wondered if that was a way of him just deciding he wasn’t in to me. But I was thinking, I couldn’t tell if it was even a date, so no big deal.

 I thought I’d give it one more shot. I texted him the other day and let him know I’d be in town again and would he let me treat him to dinner? He accepted, but today he texted and asked, if it’s it okay for him to cook me dinner at his place.

I can’t figure this out. Is this guy trying to pursue me or is this just a friend hosting a friend when I’m out of town on business? I’m totally into him. He’s very grounded and a kind person. I want him to like me. I just can’t tell if he likes me as a date or as a friend.

Ronnie, please advise me what to do!
Wanting Him

Dear Wanting,

As a dating coach, here’s how I understand men. When a man cooks you dinner – sex with you is on his menu for dessert. This happened to me more than once when I was dating. Please do not have dinner at his house unless you plan on sleeping with him. Even though you know him, I strongly advise keeping your get togethers in public to be on the safe side.

As a dating coach for 11 years, I’ve seen a lot of male behavior to understand men and what is going on. The first thing is that you are in an awkward position because you communicate first, letting him know when you’re in town. In a relationship where a man is genuinely interested, you would not have to do this. I’ll explain in a minute.

My best dating advice is that your high school buddy is lazy and hoping to get lucky. Here are four reasons why I believe this is true:

1. If he were keeping a conversation going with you in between visits, he would know when you were coming to town. Then he could pursue you. Since he is not doing that (as far as I can a tell from your question), he is not pursuing you. In fact, you are doing his job for him by initialing dates and pursuing him.

1. Cancelling after making plans does happen. But, he could easily also be seeing other women which causes him to cancel. It could be true that he has to work or whatever, but I tend to doubt that.

3. Another clue for me about his passive, non-pursuing behavior is after a nice lunch which he agreed was fun, he left you with the “wishy-washy” comment, “Let’s do it again sometime.” That’s highly non-commital and not the sign of a man pursuing you. An interested man who say “Let’s do it again, when will you be back in town?”

4. Texting and Facebook are supplementary methods of communication. Not the main choice of a man who is sincerely interested. I didn’t get that he has been spending a lot of time on the phone with you which would help him get to know you faster and crate a connection.

These are the reasons you can’t tell if this is a date or friendship. He is sending a lot of mixed signals and messages.

My Advice to Understand Men

My dating advice to help you understand men is to stop letting him know when you will be around. Don’t initiate any contact with him. Leave the ball in his court as they say. If this high school buddy seriously wants to see you, he’ll contact you. And if not, you won’t be confused any more about his intentions.

If you need expert dating advice, ask me during my monthly Inner Circle Calls.  The first Monday night of every month you can get savvy dating answers to your questions to clear up confusion, demystify situations, understand men, get dating tips and so much more. Read more and register now for the next call and the dating advice you need.

 CT dating coach Photo Credit: Atomic Shark


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12 responses on “Understand Men: Mixed Signals from Men Are So Confusing

  1. lost girl

    So I’m dating this guy it’s been a few months I like him a lot he’s funny he’s everything I want in a man but lately he has been like make reasons not to talk. We texts and talk every day but very short now. Or he’ll say my phone is gonna die or my mom called me. Or I’ll call and he’ll texts me after he doesn’t answer say he’s on the phone will the cable company or so some weird crap. What do I think or say . What do u think

  2. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Lost Girl, I hate to say it, but your guy is pulling away. Sometimes men just become unavailable rather than breakup, hoping the woman will do it for him. There is nothing you can do to recapture his attention except to withdraw yourself. Granted, this does not always work, but it’s still your only choice. Chasing him will just make him pull away more. Look for other men to date. If he misses you enough he may wonder what he’s done and come back. But, I wouldn’t count on it.

  3. smelt421

    Hey I go to a gym, my trainer’s brother showed intrest in me for a bit and we hooked up one night, just messed around not a home run. Then any time i ever asked him if he wanted to get together he was always busy working. He does work a lot i will give him that, he like the money. So I left town for 2 months, granted anytime I ever messaged him weather it was tex or facebook he always messaged me back and will always have a conversation with me, but it is me always initiating the conversation. I came back home stop by the gym to find out the scheduled he was there and when he saw me he had a big smile, but yet we don’t get together ever.. He doesn’t ignore me by any means but he does not pursue me nether. I dont understand it at all..

  4. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Smelt,
    You have been chasing this guy and even though he never initiates, you keep chasing. If you took a step back and thought about this logically rather than with your heart, you ‘d see things very clearly. He’s not interested in dating you. He’s always nice but never initiates. Get it? Stop initiating and go meet some other men who will pursue you to win you over. When you chase a man you push him away, turn him off, or give him the impression you are easy or desperate. During the first few dates of any new romance (6-10) men prefer to pursue. Your job as a woman is to say “yes” to his request for a date or “No thank you”. This is what works 99% of the time, but don’t fret – things balance out once you get past the 6-8 date range and with time become even. Read more on why you don’t want to pursue men http://nevertoolate.biz/2012/05/09/dont-pursue-him-or-hell-think-of-the-movie-fatal-attraction/

  5. Angelica

    Hey Ronnie,

    I’ve been seeing this guy for about a few months or so, I’ve only hung out with him twice, on a date since he works in military and lives two hours away from me. He made the drive the first time and I made the drive the scene time. I really like his company and he seems like he does mine as well. After our second date, he had told me that it’s going to be busy at work for about a month so we didn’t know when we would see each other again. It’s been almost a month since I seen him, we text everyday, and talk on the phone every other night. But lately, he hasn’t been texting his usual good mornings, goodnights, etc. But everytime I would mention anything or question him about “feeling like he’s pulling away”, it’s difficult for me to receive a response. We barely text anymore, since I feel like he avoids the topics I try to point out. But yesterday we were texting again for a short time, and he went back to calling me “babe”, “sweetheart”, and when he said good night, he called me gorgeous. Which he hasn’t done in a few weeks. He said good morning to me today and I responded with the same, but I didn’t receive anything back all day. I know his work has been killing him, but it won’t hurt to text for a minute. But I decided to stop being the pursuer, I figured if he wanted me, he would make a legitimate effort to try. But I would love to hear your input. Thanks. :)

  6. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Angelica,
    Take a step back and let’s look at this logically. He can only see you once a month and the last time wouldn’t even set a date because he’s “busy”. Really? do you honestly believe that? He couldn’t even keep up the texting. This man is not really interested in you. Words like honey, babe and gorgeous – he’s flattering you to keep you hanging on – why? Who knows. Some men just want women to adore them. So they text nonsense to act like they like you.

    Trust me, a man who is truly interested in you would want to see you and as often as possible. Men in love or who value love will move heaven and earth to see you. They FIND time. This man is completely stringing you along. Please don’t let him do that to you. Stop texting, stop hoping to see him and move on to find a man who is physically and emotionally available. You deserve to find true love not this bullsh-t.

    To read more about men and texting please visit this post http://nevertoolate.biz/?p=6658

  7. unsure

    Hi Ronnie. First of all I really enjoy reading your responses.

    My situation is… I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. we started off cool, then became rocky and broke up. we got back together 3 months later And have been together since. He is younger than me by 4 years. He will be 22 and I will be 26. He seems very much into me. But I feel like his words speak louder than his actions. I mean when we areally together he shows he loves me and we have deep conversations. But he barely takes me out or suggests we should do things. He says it’s just not him. He would rather just kick back chilling in his car and he says I’m always welcome. But I ask him why doesn’t he call me and ask me to hang out. He does it when we fight about it then goes back to his normal routine and barely ever asks if I’m okay or how I’m doing for a couple of days if I don’t call first. He does call me too sometimes. He tells.me not to make the phone calls and texting thing such a big deal because I should know he loves me and phone calls and texts don’t define love because back then people didn’t even have phones. I have met his whole family and friends so I know he’s not trying to hide me. I don’t want to make it seem like I am trying to make excuses for him because I really don’t. I just want answers. The other night I suggested we go to the movies. We enjoyed the movie and everything and then he says “don’t ever ask me to do this again” I said what??? Fine I won’t ever ask you. You can continue staying home and chill in your car. I don’t care anymore. He asked why I’m yelling.. I wasn’t really yelling but he did get on my nerves. I asked him if he could just be positive for once. He didn’t speak to me the entire ride back to my car. And he just laid on seat waiting as if he was falling asleep. I got even more mad because I didn’t even do anything. I woke him up and asked him to open his trunk to get my purse because I was going home. He didn’t call me the entire next day. So I called him. He was getting me even more mad. He drove me crazy from the non sense. I yelled at him and told him all he does is hurt me and I don’t want him anymore (due go my anger) I’m planning on staying away as much as possible. What do you think?????? Please help

  8. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Dear Unsure,
    This guy doesn’t want what you want. That’s pretty clear right? He prefers spending time hanging out in his car to spending time with you. He doesn’t want to communicate or have you ask him out. He doesn’t want to please you or make you happy. What do you like about him? Why put up with a guy who treats you this way? As you can see, this is not something that will get better. Why not move on to find a man who wants to communicate, spend time with you and try to please you? Your love is not enough to create a relationship. Sadly, this guy has made it clear he won’t even try.

  9. Confused

    Hi Ronnie, first of all I like your insights and I enjoy all the response.
    So I met this guy online and he is all I want in a man. We thought about having a relationship but he said he has never dated someone long distance (he lives in Chicago and I live in London) and finds it difficult since the person isn’t there physically. Too bad since he told me I am definitely his type. Anyway I occasionally text him to call me which he does immediately or after he gets off from work. Our conversations are mainly getting to know each other vs. anything romantic which I prefer since we only know each other for 3 months. I’m starting to have feelings but he has the distance issue and he feels that am hiding my feelings, intentions and I should basically tell him what I’m feeling inside about us.

    He also asked me whether I wanted a relationship out of it. I don’t understand why he would say that to me as he already knows I like him. He’s the one who said we couldn’t be together because of distance so why ask what he already knows!? I have to admit I’m the one who initiates texting. My point is I don’t think he does it out of politeness. He could ignore me or tell me he’s not interested. What confuses me Ronnie is his questions. I don’t want to seem desperate and convince him to get into a committed relationship I just want him to grow some balls and see that we could some potential for us. What do you think Ronnie?

  10. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Confused,
    You are right, he could ignore your texts or request to speak by phone. But I’m sure he enjoys the attention and support you provide. That doesn’t mean he wants a relationship. Some men crave female connection but never go further. This seems especially true since you are initiating contact.

    Why is he questioning your real desires? Hard to say. Maybe he just wants to hear it to boost his ego. However, I don’t see any advantage for you so I recommend not honoring that request. In fact the very best thing you could do to discover how into you he is is to stop contacting him. Find out how long it takes for him to contact you on his own. Sad to say chances are you’ll discover he’s just stringing you along and taking up your time.

    I wrote another post about long distance relationships that might help and one about how women trade emotional support for love. But I recommend never trading anything for a man’s affection.

    PS.Thanks for the compliment!

  11. so lost

    Hi, so I have a major crush on my coworker who is also a close friend. When we first became close friends he would always tease me and poke me but I would always call him mean and immature. Fast forward a few months, he became super nice complimenting me everyday calling me pretty or how I look very nice today, etc..
    Heres a little backstory, my mother has a set up for me to meet a guy who she thinks is a good prospect as a husband for me. My coworker knows about this. So one day as he was complimenting me he said, if only you weren’t getting married. I was little taken back and asked what he meant and he just said that I will never understand… It’s little things like this that makes me thinks he has the same feelings but then the next day he would tell me he would never date coworkers because it’s unprofessional.. What is he feeling, im so lost. And since he said that, I’ve been pulling back from him and I can’t help but be mean and upset with him (which he always notices and ask whats wrong and I cant give him a straight answer). What do I do?

  12. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi So lost,
    This guy is playing you. He flirts and compliments, then tells you that you’ll never understand. Don’t fall for that crap. He doesn’t have the same feelings or he’d be dating you. Yes, maybe he got jealous about your fix up, but what did he do about that? Nothing but try to make you feel bad. He didn’t try to make you his did he? Stop hoping this guy will become more because that is NOT going to happen. He isn’t even a good friend since he’s playing with your head. Go meet that guy your mom has for you if you want to find love – you won’t find it with your coworker.

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