Mixed Signals – What His Inconsistency Tells You

Mixed Signals from Men

Mixed Signals Cause Dating Confusion

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach

I’ve been talking to this cute guy for three months. We have gone out a few times and it’s been a blast. But, he keeps giving me different signals so I feel confused about us. Sometimes he acts like he likes me and sometimes he acts like he doesn’t.

Is he into me?

Most of the time I contact him first, usually by text. He does respond but doesn’t really initiate. What do you think I should do? What’s your professional opinion on this guy?

Texting Gal

Dear TG,

Initially, the best thing to do is let the man lead – that’s the only way you can know if he is really interested. What does that mean? Don’t text, email or call him, UNLESS he does so FIRST.

During the beginning of dating, letting the man lead will help you gather important information about your date. How often does he text or email? More importantly, how often does he call and want to see you? Some men are happy to text quickly, but don’t really spend the necessary time connecting to build a solid relationship. This can be a sign of lacking interest, laziness, casualness, etc.

That’s why I recommend that all my dating coaching clients who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce hold off on contacting the guy. Give him a chance to show you  what his intentions are. Observing a man’s actions is so much better than his words to find out if a guy is really into you.

However, you’ve already been interacting and sort of dating for a few months. So you can’t really start over which makes things a bit more difficult for you.

I’m going to take a risk and be really honest and direct with you since you did ask for my professional opinion.

Mixed Signals – What His  Inconsistency Tells You

A man who is inconsistent can be a symptom of several unwanted dating behaviors. He might be sending mixed signals because he’s:

  • Dating lots of women
  • Not emotionally available
  • Not sure what he wants
  • Keeping you “on the line” as a time filler
  • Wanting a source for intimacy that doesn’t require much effort

However,one thing I am most certain of and I’m sorry to say this, he’s not seriously interested in you. And when a man isn’t seriously interested, you have very little leverage or power to change things. So, please heed my advice and don’t bother trying.

Make it a point to go out and flirt with some new guys to find a man who will consistently call, text and see you. You deserve so much more from a romantic partner. Don’t put up with this nonsense thinking its going any where. If you find yourself wondering “Is he into me?”, that’s  a sign. I suggest that you move on to find a man who wants a relationship with you.

Wishing you love,
mixed signals


P.S. Want more savvy dating advice for women? Download my Free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes Women Make that Keep You Single and my newsletter Kiss & Tell too.

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57 responses on “Mixed Signals – What His Inconsistency Tells You

  1. Terry

    If I had read this post at one point during my single life, I would have been offended by your suggestion to “let the man lead.” I made my own living, paid my own rent, traveled and had fun with my friends. In other words, I was independent and not likely to transform myself into somebody’s little woman.

    But I would have misunderstood you. I finally learned that by letting the guy lead, you’re essentially allowing him to do the work. And that’s a very good thing.

    As you pointed out, it also tells you a lot about him, specifically if he’s interested. (What a relief to be able to stop wondering.)

    Thanks for the great post. If a man wants to be with a woman, he’ll be glad to reach for her. We just have to be willing to give him room to reach.

  2. Ronnie Post author

    Terry – thanks so much for your point of view on this. Women do misunderstand this advice and you helped give a twist that might appeal to more women – so a big thank you! I’m not trying to make anyone angry or be controversial, I just want to help women who have a strong desire to find love – to find it.

  3. Stevo

    Roonie, maybe this guy has a life and isn’t a doormat like so many poor souls that constantly get dumped by your female clients. Obviously, this guy is doing something right because TG is wondering where things are going with Him. Come on Ronnie, you know intuitively that guys that aren’t available 24/7 are more interesting and alluring than those that are like slobbering little puppies waiting to answer their date’s every beck and call. This guy understands that women want a challenge. And so what if he is dating other women? Wouldn’t you rather date a guy that is popular than one that is sitting at home by the phone waiting for you to call? Who wants a loser like that? TG, pursue your guy, he’s most likely worth the effort.

  4. Ronnie Post author

    Stevo – that would be “NO”. When dating, I sought men who were consistent and serious about me. That’s what makes for a healthy, lasting long-term relationship. And that’s how my husband of 11 years is.

    Personally, I don’t like drama – I can see maybe you do. To each his own as they say.

    What you are talking about IS exciting, but it doesn’t last and if a woman hangs on – she is likely miserable. But thanks for your POV.

  5. Lavern Gill

    Hell Ronnie

    I was dating this guy last summer, we had a wonderful time he was all over me. When I was with friends and family he makes me feel loved accepted and all. ALSO when we were along he was the sweetest thing. Flowers, gifts all the beautiful wonderful concert, opera you name it he sent me the most beautiful vase of flowers took me to dinner then five days he called me and said to me there is something he wanted to talk to me about. we had dinner then he told me openly that he is not going to see me any more because he is not in love with me. What do you make of that sort of behavior. tell me Anyway I have gotten over that and would not want this to be repeated again. Help me here Ronnie I need some advise.
    Regards Rose

  6. GINA


    I am in dire need of some advice. I have been dating a guy for 3 months. I have my own apt but am at his house 3-4 days a week, depending on if I have to leave town that weekend. See, if I am leaving town for the weekend, I stay with him at his house 2-3 days during the week. When I’m there, I act as if we are married, cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of his dogs when he is out of town for work (which is on and off mon-thursday). I KNOW that I am making this WAY too easy for him, but I don’t know how to start over, get things on the right track. I have also told him that I am in love with him, his response, that he’s just not there yet. He has been divorced for almost two years now, and I am the first relationship since then. I too am almost two years divorced. We speak of the future and I know that he cares about me, maybe even loves me but is just afraid to say it? I feel like a need a dating coach and am so lost!! I just want to do this right and make this one last. Please help.


  7. GINA

    Oh, I forgot to add that I too am getting mixed signals… When I’m there he never makes comments about me being there, even acts really appreciative of the help,but then sometimes he says he says he doesn’t want to get smothered and that maybe I need to go home for a few days. This is confusing to me. Then, when I am gone for a few days, it’s “when are you coming back?”

    totally confused

  8. AS

    Some sound advice… Whilst we live in an age of equal opportunities etc when it comes to dating I am of the belief that it is a man’s role to take the lead. In many situations you find that without a chase, men lose interest pretty quickly.

  9. Judy

    Great advice! So true. If they’re sending mix signals it’s best to walk. And hard as it is to do, you gotta let the guy take the lead in the early stages of the game.

  10. Ronnie Post author

    AS – I agree completely – the chase is still alive!

    Judy – you are right – when you see mixed signals, step back. If he wants you – he’ll step up!

  11. Diane

    I just got dealt a blow of mixed signals and rejection last night. I now understand how men and boys say they fear it.

  12. Kelly

    I manage a motel and this guy has stayed here off/on for over a year (due to work). One night in July a group of people were having a BBQ out back and they invited me and everyone else over. When I closed,I went over and me and this guy (I’ll call him Rabbit lol) started talking and we’d hit it off. We stayed up all night (til 6:30 am) talking and hanging out and it was quite nice. He kissed me 2x that night as well. The next day he was leaving and that was that. I’m friendly with his coworker/good friend so I shot off a quick text asking him to pass along my number to Rabbit. I thought for sure he would call, but after 2 or 3 weeks I realized he wasn’t going to. I decided to just forget about him and let it go. The following week he called, asked for me and made reservations for another stay. Well, he then asks me “I’m surprised I haven’t heard from you”…I said what? I tried to get my number to you etc. But then again, I live at work (on site job) and he certainly knows how to get ahold of me. To make a long story even longer (sorry!) he sounded so happy, he wanted me to stay with him, hang out etc. Asked if that room came with kisses from me and all of that. It was looking good right? I was happy and as the next day approached I was excited to see him again. He got here, checked in, he’d brought us some drinks etc. Then, he wants to take a nap and said ‘come back later”….I said no, why don’t you just let me know when you’re up? He said ok. Hours go by and walkover to his room and it’s wide open but he’s gone! WTF? When the motel closed for the night, my friend and i went to go have a drink across the street. Lo and behold there he is talking to some guy…MY friend knew the guy he was with and walked over and was talking to them. About 15 minutes later I walked over and my friend was leaving to go home and they invited me to stay with them…we had one more drink and left. Meanwhile his friend (who is much older) was saying he liked me,my attitude/personality/looks and all that and stated that he would take me out to lunch and/or dinner. Rabbit was like, “Like hell you will”. We leave come back to my place for another drink..and talked for a bit then went to bed to SLEEP. Nothing at all happened other than a kiss or two prior to going to bed. We sleep and in the morning he says “I have to check my phone” (he’d left it in his room and he’s on phone 24/7 with is work job)I said ok…he left to “go get his phone” i got up, made a cup of coffee went outside to sit and he was long gone, car and all…Haven’t heard from him since. (about 10 days now) WTF?

    P.S. Also his friend had told my friend that Rabbit had been telling him about this girl he has a crush on at the motel..(which was me) and this was before his friend even was introduced to me or knew that I was that girl.

    Did this make ANY sense? lol sorry for the length, I probably shouldn’t have written a novel….

  13. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Kelly, This guy’s erratic behavior is a sign that he lacks emotional stability. Whether he likes you or not is not so relevant. If you decide to be open to him for a potential relationship, he will likely make your life hell. Things never get better than in the beginning and right now the red flags are waving like at a parade. My dating advice is not to indulge him. As a manager, you have to be nice when he shows up, but close down the romance with this guy. If you get involved with him, you’ll always be wondering because he doesn’t not know how to communicate and has no respect for you or his own word. You deserve to be with a quality person, not someone who says he’ll be right back and then disappears.

  14. Kelly

    Thank you Ronnie, I was thinking similarly. But damn, it’s hard!

    Mixed signals indeed!

    Thank you again for taking the time to respond, that is so kind of you!

  15. Jenny

    I’ve been reading the above with great interest but what I would like to do is explain why these statements are accurate. Usually, if a woman is told that the man should do all the chasing, this is very often followed with “Why? This is the 21st century. That’s old fashioned nonsense”.

    By examining the typical behaviour of our ancestors we can see why this is the case, and in order to understand why it is important to let the man chase you we need to have an understanding of our prehistoric background.

    In simple terms, the man would go out into the wilderness and return to his cave with a woman.

    Genetically speaking this pattern of behavior is still encoded in the male today. Further studies reveal why men and women think differently but that’s another subject.

    Unfortunately, if a man is interested or “into” you he will let you know and anything done to force the matter or influence his behaviour will eventually lead to heartbreak.

    As difficult and as tempting as it is, let him come for you.

  16. Amanda

    I have been I guess “talking ” to this guy since March! He has stood me up several times in the past! However I found out he was dating someone and still he wants to talk to me! I don’t understand why?
    He always tell me he misses my face and wants to see me nothing happens! I feel like I’m going round in round in circles with him! It’s getting to be a huge turn off for me to even chase him! The thing is he expects to text him and knows I’ll answer on a drop of a dime. Please help

  17. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Amanda, Not every man, nor every woman wants to be monogamous. And it’s an ego boost to be dating one woman while courting others. So there is your answer to “why”. That’s why he is all talk and no action – not making time to see you. And apparently he knows he’s got you on the line since you respond immediately. Why would you chase this guy? I recommend you NEVER CHASE NAY MAN, never mind this player. He is just wasting your time. Don’t respond to any more texts or calls. Drop him like a hot potato and move on to find a man who actually wants to spend time with you. He is NOT the MAN for YOU.

  18. HC

    Well, I guess this article was specifically for me! I’ve been crushing on this guy for over a year now but I never told him until a few months ago. Then I found out he liked me too. The attraction between us was so darn thick, you could cut that shit with a army knife!!!! We both recently ended relationships so we wanted to go slow. After months of flirting, hanging out, we were intimate with each other. We still “see” each other and hang out but…….it’s bothers me that every time I suggest us going for a movie or just us dating, he never seems to have time. He works two jobs and makes time to go to the gym……but I’m feeling like he’s blowing me off AND stringing me along. Men make time for a woman if he’s really interested in her, period! He told me he liked me a lot more than he wanted to admit and that I was special to him, but I think that’s it; enough to sleep with but not enough to date!! I just wish I didn’t have feelings for him. My question is how do I get this guy out my system?! I’m frustrated because I don’t want to feel this way about a man whose stringing me along AND blowing me off, please help!

  19. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi HC, remember – its a man’s actions not his words that matter most. He is showing you that he is not seriously interested in you because he makes no time to see you. How do you get him out of your system? Stop talking to him! Go meet some new guys! And don’t sleep with a man until he shows you have consistent dates and communication if you are looking for love.

  20. Confused

    So I’m in college, and I met this guy at a party and we’ve been talking since the ending of October. We started things pretty slow, we’d hangout at parties, talk, get to know each other, but only on weekends. After a couple weeks we were kissing and cuddling, and talking during the week and stuff.. after about a month and a half I finally gave him my virginity..

    After that we were still talking and stuff, and he was really sweet and everything, but about a week later we both went home for 3 weeks for christmas break. We still talked over the break, he told me people kept asking if he was single and he didn’t know what to say so he ended up asking me if we were “a thing”, but we never really came to an answer and then he just dropped the subject completely.. (to clear that up, I said I was a one guy only kind of girl, to which he responded: “Well it can’t be me because I’m an asshole. Best of luck to ya’s!” .. ??)

    Now that we’re both back at college in the same town, we’ve barely talked. I haven’t even seen since we’ve been back. What do you suggest with this confusing guy? He was super into me before we left, and also seemed to be during the break, and now he doesn’t. I don’t get it.

  21. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    He actually said to you “well it can’t be me because I’m an ass” and you still want to see him? Girl – its time to work on your confidence. He slept with you then showed diminishing interest. What do you want him back for? He is not a gentleman and not genuinely interested. I’m sorry to say sometimes men seem really into you just to get you into bed. Now he’s been there, done that and off to the next.

    Don’t feel too bad – it happens to so many women. Next time, be sure to have several dates over a few weeks before you sleep with a man if you want to know how interested he is. When it comes to love, it’s always a bit of a gamble. But hopefully you’ll get smarter about men and catch on faster to this kind of “player routine”.

  22. AL

    Hey Ronnie, I could really use your advice.

    I started seeing this guy around Nov last year. We hit it off completely and it was great!! A few weeks into in he went off the face of the planet..Texted him to see what was up and nothing, so I backed off. Late Dec he comes back pouring his heart out telling me he got “cold feet” that he could not lose me! I am a very forgiving person, said I only wanted a friendship. He insisted a bit until we got together and things just picked up from there. He really did not have to put in much effort. It was hard to be his friend because I really liked him. Long story short we started talking and are now in a 2 month relationship. Thing is, I keep getting what I see as mixed signals. I do not know if it is just me, overthinking-which I tend to do… Or what? As of currently he works nights, I work days-so that alone adds stress and we only see each other on weekends-which is starting to get to me. He also shares a car with his mother. As of last a few days i brought up the subject of seeing each other more often (during the week) but last night he said something I didn’t like.. I suggested he come after 6:30 my shift and before his shift at 10pm..His response was we will see because that cuts down on my time, for sleep or cooking etc… :/ Mind you, I drive over there every weekend, I stay up late nights to talk to him since our schedule is so different… He claims to miss me but.. I get that response. The words are not being backed up by the actions. I do not know if a breakup is the right thing because i am old school and believe in fixing something if needed not giving up BUT I COULD — USE HELP!!!

  23. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Al, yes the words do match his actions and that is your tip off something is not right. it could be several things. He might not want to see you more than the weekends. he might see someone else during the week. he might not want to get too close. There isn’t much you can do to make him want to see you. It could be something else.

    So what you know right now is that he doesn’t have the same desires about dating and relationships as you do. That likely means you are not a good match.

    My suggestion is to tell him what you want and what would work for you. Say something like, “I enjoy your spending time with you and getting to know you better. It would mean a lot to me to see you more than on the weekends. maybe at least one day during the week. What do you think?” You want to say this to him with little emotion – just matter of fact and no pressure.

    Then if you don’t like his answer or he says something nice but doesn’t back it up with actions, you’ll know you should well move on. He’s not going to come around if either of those two things happen. I know that’s hard to do but it will save you months of heartache. My bet is, he is not the right guy for you because he doesn’t want what you want

  24. Lynn

    Hi Ronnie,

    I got a question. Someone from work started emailing me on facebook after I posted a recent new picture of myself. I was told by other coworkers that this guy seemed interested in me. Sometimes he will email me 5 minutes after i answer his email, other times it fluctuates from 2 hours to 18 hours to 3 days or even 6 days. I have given him my number and we have texted off and on for 2 weeks. After that he stopped texting and started emailing me on facebook again. We went from emailing each other on facebook to texting to emailing each other on facebook again. He has informed me that he has been in and out of the hospital due to health issues. However, there have been 3 different times where he has emailed me and said lets have lunch on thursday or lets have lunch on this day yet I tell him check with me on the day before to confirm this and then he doesnt and when the day comes up where he mentioned about having lunch on that day in question he doesnt email me. Yet he will email me several days after that day we were supposed to meet for lunch and talk about this and that. I have told him in the emails that I felt as though he was not serious about having lunch with me and that he was messing with me about. Then he came back and said he was serious about having lunch with me and he wasnt messing with me about it. So I believed him and we emailed each other for a few more weeks and i would ask stuff about him and he would ask stuff about me. Last weekend he said something about having lunch this weekend. I told him that would be fine. However, since that last email he didnt send send me another email saying anything about a day or a time to have lunch this weekend. Hence this weekend has just about to be gone, and we didnt have lunch. He has emphasized to me he was serious about having lunch with me and not messing with me. And he has been in the hospital due to health problems.Yet 3 times he will say in emails that we should do lunch together on this day or that day, and then no email from him about when and where on the 2 or 3 days before we are supposed to have lunch. What is going on here?

  25. confused

    I have a question. In middle school I wasn’t very popular with the guys. My cousin would introduce me to the guys he was friends with. There was this one friend of his that I thought wasn’t my type. He was short, thin & hung around bad crowds. He was in trouble most of the time come to think of it. We hardly spoke to each other but we did have a class together. We eventually started talking because of that class. As friends. Later on in high school we went our separate ways. He dropped outta school. Got his ged. And joined the marines. But, before he left we went to the prom together. We didnt kiss at the end of night because I just didnt have any feelings for him that way. I graduated from high school. We never talked again. Then one day I get this email from classmates saying he still wanted to be friends. We talked and talked over emails and texts. He got married had 2 kids and I got married and had 3 kids. During this time we started asking each other if either person started having feelings for another. The answer was yes, from both of us. This was crazy! He was living in japan, & I was in the states. We both agreed we would work on our marriages. Another 3 years go by & he contacts me through an old yahoo address. He tells me he’s divorced & asks if I’m still married. I am. Although, not happily married. I want a divorce but, I’m not ready to go through with it because of my kids. However I’m no longer in love with my husband. This guy friend, I’m not even attracted to. However i feel like there’s potential there for us to start a relationship. This friend & I have been texting each other for the past 2 months now Everyday. He tells me he likes to hear from me and I bring joy to his life. I asked him once if he liked me and he said back then he did. He was shy and still is. He knows I want a divorce. He has asked me to come visit him during the summer & stay with him in his new home. I’m not sure what to do here. This friend has shown me so much affection. I don’t know what to do. I’m seriously confused. Please, I need advice here. Thanks in advance. Confused

  26. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Dear Confused,
    I’m just going to be straight with you and hope that’s OK. While you have history, you are not having a true relationship with this guy. You are having a virtual relationship. It’s so easy to enjoy and feel good about it, but it’s not real, live, or face-to-face. So how can you end your marriage for that? I advise that you do one thing at a time. Decide if you are in or out of your marriage. If you are in, BE IN IT. If you are out, then get a divorce so you can move on with your life. But please do not make such a huge life decision based on some emails from a guy you didn’t even kiss at the prom.

  27. Sasha

    Hi, Ms. Ryan

    I’m 31 and my crush is 41. He flirts all the time with me, passes by my office daily, touches me. I asked him if was he single he said yes and smiled. I didn’t believe him, I said, “You’re too cute to be single.” I asked him to lunch and he said we’ll see well, but that never happened. I researched and found out he has been engaged been for three years. Why did he lie? Since then, I’ve noticed when he sees me with other men he gets jealous and he stares at me with this hurt or angry look on his face. I Haven’t told him I know he’s engaged, because I don’t want him to think I’m a stalker.

    I don’t know if I should say something or leave this all alone. My mom says a man that isn’t married is single so he can date whom he wants and isn’t obligated to anyone. To me it seems like since he can’t have me in the manner that he wants, it hurts him to see me. Now he doesn’t pass by my office anymore. If I’m out during lunch, he will wait for me so we can walk back to the office together. I don’t understand him, If there are no feelings for me and doesn’t want me for a girlfriend, why is he acting this way? Thanks for your help.

  28. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sasha,

    Sounds to me like Mr. Crush is honoring his engagement which is a true commitment. He enjoys flirting with you, but that doesn’t mean anything serous. Read this post about flirting for more info. Don’t worry about how hurt he is at not having you. He could make that choice, but he hasn’t. He’s sticking with his fiance.

    So my dating advice is to move on and forget him. When you think about it, do you really want to take a man away from his committed love? That’s not great karma and I have found a man who does that will likely do that to you as well as he finds the next woman. There are better men out there looking for a committed relationship. Go out to meet men and find others to date and forget about Mr. Crush – he is completely jerking you around and wasting your time.

  29. Ashley 101

    Hello Ronnie,

    I’ve known this guy for years who had a crush on me. He was wild and not the type of guy to be with one girl. He was close to my family and would do anything to say hi. Recently he has completely changed his behavior -no longer wild, goes to church and leads bible studies and is a great father.

    He wanted to be my boyfriend for years but I kept my distance until the other day. He came up to me and handed me his kid and said, “This is gonna be your new mama.” I took it as a joke and we talked, then he asked for my number and called the next night wanting to come over. He did and we talked for hours. He said for 11 yrs I have been his heart throb but would not give him the chance.

    We text or call everyday now and he sends me pictures and videos of his child. Then I noticed a change that I was texting first. I asked him why. He said, The roles have changed – he chased me for so long now it’s my turn.” I got upset. He said things faded over time just like me giving him a chance now will fade. He says he is mirroring me and learning my ways.

    We have seen each other a few more times and he say things like, “I bet you have a lot of guys stopping by” but its not true. I don’t understand why a person that liked me for so long now is having me reach out first. Can you make any sense of this? Thanks

  30. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ashley,

    I think your guy has issues. He uses his child to get things started again, sends you photos and videos. That is not good for the child or you. You can’t be his mama until you have a solid relationship. Now he’s holding back for spite, making you pay for how you resisted him over the years. And he’s exhibiting jealous behavior based on nothing if you really haven’t been dating others. I can see why you are confused and I find this very troubling.

    This is not true love – this is unhealthy psychological games. I’m not sure what he has to offer you besides a lack of maturity and mean-spirited behavior. My dating advice is to honor your original instincts about this man and steer clear. I’m sorry to say I think he will only bring your drama and heartbreak. There have got to be better, healthier men out there!

  31. Molly

    Hey Ronnie! 🙂

    Question! So I met a guy a few at the beginning of August while doing charity work aboard. We spent one week together in same community. By the end of the trip it was very clear that he had romantic intentions; feelings I did not reciprocate. Because we live states apart we talked and called each other a lot throughout August until by September I would hear from him only once a week, and then none at all. I never rejected his advances, but I also couldn’t return them. Not only were feelings not present for then but I also know it would be imprudent to start something with him at this point in our lives. So now he doesn’t initiate any sort of contact. I texted him asking how he was last week and it was a good conversation. I just don’t understand… every time I talk to him he drops really flirtations comments, and makes me thinks that he honestly cares for me but he never seeks me out… What am I to make of the situation?

  32. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Molly,
    I’m not sure why you are confused. Your situation has all the same qualities of the other posts. But, on top of that, you didn’t reciprocate and were being prudent not to start something long distance – which makes sense.And you say you don’t share his feelings. So why do you care what he does? Let go and stop engaging in his meaningless flirtations. Don’t try to keep something going where nothing exists.

    If you are wondering why he flirts with you on and off, read this post The bottom line is when a man flirts with you, it’s fun, but meaningless.

  33. lime88

    i am a single mom dating a very successful guy for 5 months now. first few months we met every week and communication was through texting only to plan for dates. aside from that i do not get any messages which is ok since i am very busy but sometimes i yearn for a simple “how are you doing?”. after 2 month our dates became every two weeks and he does not communicate with me within those period. it did not bother me since he told me he does not text everyday or whatsoever. on my birthday he gave me a jewelry and a card with his name signed with love. After that i have not heard from him for almost 3 weeks. Just recently he dated me on a special place but he poured all his worries being depressed and problems just piling up. I accept that every person has their own baggages and tried my best to be with him even from far, so i took initiative to call and text him but i barely heard anything. The last time i went to his place it was a mess and it looked like there was a party that’s why he cancelled me last weekend. Would i keep dancing with this persons character or just not communicate until he initiates it first?

  34. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lime88 – when a man pulls back over time and doesn’t communicate between dates, he is letting you know where you stand – at the bottom of his list. He’s not a bad person, but he’s not serious about you. He’ll never be the type who asks how you are doing or stays in touch. So pulling away won’t bring him to you either. My dating advice is to drop him. A man who is serious about love and a relationship will pursue you, want to get to know you and spend time with you.

    I understand that being a single mom is highly taxing. But any healthy relationship requires time and effort to nurture it and keep it growing. There are no short cuts. If you want lasting love, you might hold off until you have time or decide love is a priority and make time. I’m sorry to say that dating a non-communicative man because it fits into your schedule will never turn into a loving relationship. Choose the men you do date wisely.

  35. lime88

    Thank you. Today is actually the 2nd day that i held myself not communicating with him since i find it hard to understand why. i have to assess myself then and enjoy solitude for now. what hurts is getting so close with him and being happy and open when we are together. It hurts and I’m sad.

  36. Nicole

    Hi there!
    I met this guy on eharmony, for the first few days he was texting me first and I would wake up to a message from him but now he hardly ever texts me first. He always replies to my message and is always pleasant but we are supposed to go on a date next week and now I’m second guessing it. He started getting distant when I was hunting one weekend and I couldn’t text him back right away but I did eventually text back. What is going on?!? I don’t want tear games and this guy is an older guy and doesn’t seem like the “player” type, he did mention that his ex wife left him for another man give I thought was nice of him to trust me with that.

  37. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nicole, texting is sort of a waste of time but it is something that people expect immediacy. Maybe he got insecure because you didn’t respond. I don’t recommend a lot of texting before or after meeting anyway. Texting should be a supplement to phone calls, not take over. Now you haven’t even met this guy and you are worried he’s playing games. Why don’t you just meet him. He doesn’t owe you anything just because he texted often to start and that doesn’t mean anything anyway – see my post on texting Don’t over analyze – go meet him and see what he is like.

  38. confused

    Hi ronnie,

    So I’ve been dating this guy who I’ve know. For years and we have had this attraction for awhile. We started talking to each other in April it had been 9 mths since I dated anyone because of prior relationship. We agreed to date and did we would see each other 2-3 times a week. He was going through divorce but had separated from her for a awhile. He knows everything about my past relationship for he watched it tear me apart we were good friends for awhile. I told him if we were going to date of he would please tell me at any point when he wasn’t feeling this anymore so I could just go and not get emotionally invested he agreed . He told me when we decided to start dating that because of his divorce and everything going on he can’t give his all to a relationship but he wanted to date and see where it lead. He told me the first of the year which is just around the corner he should have everything done. So I’ve seen divorce papers and asked him if it’s going through and he said yes . But now 9 mths later I feel like he’s pulling away idk he used to text me and respond to my text but they have slowed down I see him once a week alone in I’m lucky . He reassured me 2 weeks ago divorce was getting done and he wants to be able to go out and meet my friends and me with his but then why doesn’t he make an effort to reach out to me or spend more time with me . Is it because I took on the role of planning always dates cause I’m just like that . I’m confused and up to my neck in it . What do I do what should I do

  39. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Dear Confused,
    There are several problems with this situation. First, I recommend never dating a man who is not divorced because they are not healed from their marriage and not ready to commit. Second he told you he wasn’t ready to commit. When he said, let’s see where it leads, he really meant, hang out with me for now but I’m not promising anything. So, you helped him through his divorce emotionally hoping for love. Often this trade doesn’t end well as once men are free, divorced and healed, they tend to move on to the next woman. Planning the dates didn’t work in your favor either since now you can see he’s pulled back and not keeping promises.

    I know this is difficult, but the ugly truth is, he’s not going to suddenly be ready for a relationship with you. Signs show he’s ready to move on. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let him go and move on yourself. Next time, only date a man who is divorced for at least a year. Let the men plan the dates and pursue you. Then you are less likely to end up with lazy men who aren’t really interested but are willing to go for the ride.

    Wishing you love,

  40. Lou

    Hi Ronnie
    I was dating a guy I met on match, he is 52, 12 yrs older than myself.
    He was very interested when we first met, came on strong then his interest faded. He disappeared then reappeared. He started off with the phone calls then went to text. He is regularly online. I have not chased him at all and he’s cone back to me after several weeks of radio silence. We were briefly intimate and it was obvious he has performance/ and is genitally challenged. I thought perhaps that was what was holding him back.
    He has never said he doesn’t want a relationship and said he’d love a cuddle monkey. When we met we have a nice time together but he then goes super quiet for weeks after and when he does reach out it’s probably just a hi.
    How can I respond next time he does this as I feel I’ve been patient enough. I’ve known him 6mths

  41. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lou,
    It’s time to turn the tables and look at this from a more empowering viewpoint. What does this guy have that you want? He offers bedroom issues and a disappearing act. Are either of these things attractive to you?

    Here’s how I think you should respond – DON’T! Not so much because of his sexual performance but because he is inconsistent. He wants a “cuddle monkey” [his words] when he feels like it.He’s not offering you true love or a lasting relationship. When a man is inconsistent, it means that something isn’t right – he doesn’t want a relationship, doesn’t know what he wants or knows you are not the one for him. None of these situations is right for you.

    When you evaluate the men you date as being potentially good long term partners, you want a guy who pursues you consistently, not only by phone or text but for live dates out in public. You want a man who wants to be with you, who treats you well and respects you. Not some guy who jumps in and out of your life at HIS whim. Let this guy go – he’s not the one for you. Then vow to only date men who you enjoy AND pursue you consistently.

  42. MERCE

    Ive known this guy for 4 years…in the beginning it was based of sex. He was sleeping with several woman I’m sure. We remained cool with each other and lost contact. He had a relationship. About 6 months ago we started talking again. We have spent 6 months together almost every day. He sent a lot of mixed signals. We were in a relationship without claiming we were. He would cuddle me, kiss my cheeks and forehead, but never once kissed on the lips. We had sex occasionally. At times he said “I treat you like my girlfriend” but once I opened up to him about how I felt, he told me to get rid of these feelings. So I came to terms with just being close friends and the cuddling and sex stopped. But I spend every day over there, sleep in the same bed, cook for each other dinner, talk, watch movies etc. He has made it clear we are not going to be together. I don’t know if he is in denial or what? I’m so confused? What do you think?

  43. Mel

    I have a rather odd situation to discuss. I am legally separated as of Aug 2015. I work in a small office. There was a very shy guy at work who for 3.5 months would always stare, watch me, linger in the office or intentionally come in to my office. He would get visibly jealous if i talked to another man in the office. He was always in close proximity to me whenever possible and always very protective and defend me against any negative talk ( im a bit shy myself). I was transferred in December, but before I left I made him cookies and thanked him for being awesome.. A few days ago (in Jan 2016) i got the courage up to ask him out by text since we dont work together anymore. He said no…After 3 months of flirting and him acting like we were together, he said no. Please tell me what I did wrong?


  44. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Mel, I know this stinks but the truth is flirting is fun but meaningless. When a man doesn’t ask you out, there’s a reason. If he wanted to date you he would have done so. Don’t try to figure out why he did this, just understand how you want to be treated. Do you want to be lead on by a man who never takes flirting to the next step? I doubt it. Move on and in the future, feel free to enjoy flirting but don’t give it any meaning. Read this post for an in-depth look at men and flirting.

  45. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Merce,
    You might not want to hear this but I think you are in the one in denial. He has been clear with you he doesn’t want a relationship, yet you hang in there and spend all your time with him. This is a dead end. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. It’s time to wake up and move on. How long will you wait to see if he changes because I can tell you right now with all certainty – he is not going to change his mind. Stop accepting his relationship crumbs and go out to find a man who wants to be in the full, loving relationship you desire. This man is wasting your time and will break your heart. He’s not the right man for you no matter how much it seems he is because he cannot or will not give you the loving relationship you clearly want.

  46. Aphrodite

    I met a guy like this and unfortunately he turned out to be a sociopath/NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) I should have known. Real charmer when he wanted something then cold distant. When I met him for the first time, he admitted he was Madly in love with me that he fell in love with me on Facebook. He’s never felt like this about anyone before. I was crazy about him too – he was EXACTLY my type to the last hair on his body.

    I would buy him things here and there and he would never bother reciprocating anything back, He would message me everyday GOOD MORNING! how are you talk for hours throughout the day even during his work schedule. Then it would slow down so I would have to initiate the contact. Then nothing from him for hours or maybe days. OVER NIGHT he switched. Then he told me about his ex girlfriend and the blow outs they’d have and how I helped him through it. This has left me drained and sad.

  47. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Aphrodite,
    So you know he’s a narcissist, so nothing after that should surprise you. It’s all about him just like you said. You made two mistakes: 1) when a man let’s the communication dwindle, especially overnight like that, in your mind say, “Bye bye.” Don’t bother to start things up again. If he doesn’t have the interest to keep it going – you don’t want him. A man like that will always break your heart and leave you wanting.

    2) Never help a man get over his ex. That means he’s not emotionally available to date you. Run when a man is still talking about his ex because he’s not ready for you and can’t give you his all. Forget this guy. Learn from your mistakes and to recognize the signs of a narcissist so you never have to go through that again. Thanks for sharing your story – I’m sure many women will be helped by your comment.

  48. Stephanie

    Have LD relationship with a guy I met online. He was going through a divorce when we first met. We texted regularly and saw me twice when he came into town to see family. Both times it was a movie and then back to his hotel for sex. During the 2 year relationship he says very sweet words, that we will be together one day, wants to spend time and get to know each other, he loves me, looking forward to me being his wife, more sure every day that we are going to be a couple, says I am perfect for him.

    Some concerns came up for me. We were talking on the phone for the first 3 months and then he never bothered to call anymore. When I asked him the reason, he said there was not an opportune time. Sounds like a BS answer to me. All during the relationship he would regularly disappear for 2-3 days at a time, come back and not say what he had been doing. When asked, all he ever usually said was sleeping, working, or fighting a cold.

    to see how I responded to this post visit http://nevertoolate.biz/2016/03/17/dating-a-divorced-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/

  49. Yare

    One important fact is that he does not share a lot of things about his personal life. No mention of his daughter’s mother other than he does not live with her. So ladies beware if a man is not sharing personal stuff with you , simple personal stuff. I have no idea why they broke off or anything. I don’t even know his last name. Last time we were out he mentioned something to the effect that he is reserved and doesn’t expose nothing of himself and that way he keeps me wondering. I asked after if that was a game. He then said no that it was just the way he was. This guy play too many games, I’m too old for it and it’s too much work to figure him out. He has my head spinning, now he is ignoring for no what I feel is no reason at all

  50. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Yare, I”m not sure what you are asking but any man over time who doesn’t reveal anything to keep you guessing is not emotionally available. IN addition, if it’s been more than a few weeks, he probably has something to hide, like a wife and family. If he plays too many games and has your head spinning, walk away. He’s not the only one, there are more men out there. Let go and move on.

  51. Cass

    Hi Ronnie, I really need your advice at my situation to my long distance boyfriend. I met him on facebook and we’ve been in a relationship for 5 months now but we never met in person yet. He texted me everyday before and after work but doesn’t put much effort to our conversation, calls me at least once a week and he keeps on saying that he love me very much. We are both very eager to meet in person but we can’t do it yet because of our work schedule. He’s very open about his life and personal backgrounds, he told me almost everything about him. But I am not 100% sure if he’s telling the truth since we haven’t met in person yet and I do not know if it’s just me or what that I have a trust issue and I cannot trust him with all of my heart. He keeps on saying that I should trust him cause there’s really no other woman in his life but me. But no matter what he say, I’ll always have doubts about his feelings for me. I sometimes feel his love and care and sincerity for me but my problem is he keeps on breaking his promises. Sometimes promised me to have a date on skype but he didn’t came, promised to call but didn’t happened, promised to send me flowers during our monthsaries but didn’t arrived, promise of gifts but wasn’t came (I am not a materialistic person but he promised so I expected). What should I do, Ronnie? Does he really love me? Or just keeping me around though he’s not so into me?

  52. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Cass, I know this is going to be really hard to hear, but you must want to know the truth if you reached out to me for answers. This man is NOT you boyfriend. You feel emotionally attached, but a virtual relationship is not genuine. You haven’t skyped with him in 5 months and he doesn’t keep promises so I can see why you don’t trust him. I am going to validate your fears. This guy is most likely a scammer. He can’t show you his face because it doesn’t match his photo. I don’t know why people do this and that doesn’t matter. The important thing is you know he’s not trust worthy so LISTEN TO YOURSELF. The second thing is look for a local boyfriend. No more FB romance – go for the real thing in person. I can’t promise you’ll only meet honest men, but if you listen to yourself, you will probably be fine.

  53. Tira

    Hi Ronnie, I’ve been dating this guy for almost six months. In the beginning we had this magnetic energy and and chemistry that instantly drew us together. About a month after we met, we started becoming intimate, and shortly after I became pregnant. Before discovering that I was pregnant, I discovered that he had a 3 year old child from a previous relationship that didn’t end well. He has told me that he still suffers from the pain of that relationship because the mother of his child doesn’t allow him to see his son. After informing him of my pregnancy, we decided that it was not the best time to have a child due to his previous situation, and also because I am a senior in college . I then learned that I was expecting two, which at first altered that decision. About 3 and 1/2 months into my pregnancy, and after built up stress and frustration from many arguments, and him walking away, I made a hard decision to end my pregnancy. After not communication for 1week after ending the pregnancy, we started back communicating. It felt as if everything with us was getting better, but after a week later the small arguments started reoccurring. He stopped being intimate and affectionate towards me and started making comments about all of the qualities that he wanted in a woman that I lacked, and saying that I will never be who or what he wants me to be. Those comments hurt me because they are coming for someone that I felt strongly for, which made me feel as if I am not enough. It seems as if he has become cold and it almost feels as if he has interest in someone else and his feelings for me has changed. I’ve spent time trying to get things back to where they were, and to get back that magnetic chemistry that we once had because I’ve grown to love and care about him.

  54. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tira,
    I’m so sorry to tell you this but you cannot make a man love you or treat you right. The only thing you can do is love and respect yourself enough to leave the situation. I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear but it is the truth. When a man says you don’t have what he wants in a woman, he is clearly stating you are not the woman for him. It doesn’t mean you are not good enough, but that you are not a good match. That’s not the same thing at all so don’t think you aren’t good enough – that is not true. Mixed signals let you know that there is something not right in a relationship.

    Here’s another angle on what it does mean- he’s NOT the right man for YOU. If he was, he’d love you for who you are. Sadly that is not the case. The best thing you can do is let go and move on. Heal from this emotionally tough situation with time. Then when you are ready, find a new and better man.

  55. Tina

    I met a guy at work. He pursued me for 3 years. He told me he was unhappily married. I told him to make his marriage work for his kids. A new lady started working where we work and he showed interest in her so I then realized how much I cared for him. I was so hurt couldn’t sleep or eat. I thought I was in love. I expressed my feelings and we later became intimate. Now hes withdrawn doesn’t show interest the way he once did. He plays mind games and when I ignore him he comes on strong but when I’m attentive hes cold and withdrawn. I care deeply for him. What should I do.

  56. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tina,
    I’m sorry to say this but your guy is a lying cheater. Now you’re roped in and he’s not interested. There isn’t one thing you can do to turn this around, nor should you. Let this married cheater find solace in another woman’s arms.

    Love is not enough to have a loving, healthy relationship. You need two people who are willing to commit and make things work. Right now your situation is one-sided. What is he adding to your life but heartache? It’s time for you to let go, get over him and move on to better men who are single and emotionally available. This guy is neither.

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