Mixed Signals – What His Inconsistency Tells You

Mixed Signals from Men

Mixed Signals Cause Dating Confusion

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach

I’ve been talking to this cute guy for three months. We have gone out a few times and it’s been a blast. But, he keeps giving me different signals so I feel confused about us. Sometimes he acts like he likes me and sometimes he acts like he doesn’t.

Is he into me?

Most of the time I contact him first, usually by text. He does respond but doesn’t really initiate. What do you think I should do? What’s your professional opinion on this guy?

Texting Gal

Dear TG,

Initially, the best thing to do is let the man lead – that’s the only way you can know if he is really interested. What does that mean? Don’t text, email or call him, UNLESS he does so FIRST.

During the beginning of dating, letting the man lead will help you gather important information about your date. How often does he text or email? More importantly, how often does he call and want to see you? Some men are happy to text quickly, but don’t really spend the necessary time connecting to build a solid relationship. This can be a sign of lacking interest, laziness, casualness, etc.

That’s why I recommend that all my dating coaching clients who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce hold off on contacting the guy. Give him a chance to show you  what his intentions are. Observing a man’s actions is so much better than his words to find out if a guy is really into you.

However, you’ve already been interacting and sort of dating for a few months. So you can’t really start over which makes things a bit more difficult for you.

I’m going to take a risk and be really honest and direct with you since you did ask for my professional opinion.

Mixed Signals – What His  Inconsistency Tells You

A man who is inconsistent can be a symptom of several unwanted dating behaviors. He might be sending mixed signals because he’s:

  • Dating lots of women
  • Not emotionally available
  • Not sure what he wants
  • Keeping you “on the line” as a time filler
  • Wanting a source for intimacy that doesn’t require much effort

However,one thing I am most certain of and I’m sorry to say this, he’s not seriously interested in you. And when a man isn’t seriously interested, you have very little leverage or power to change things. So, please heed my advice and don’t bother trying.

Make it a point to go out and flirt with some new guys to find a man who will consistently call, text and see you. You deserve so much more from a romantic partner. Don’t put up with this nonsense thinking its going any where. If you find yourself wondering “Is he into me?”, that’s  a sign. I suggest that you move on to find a man who wants a relationship with you.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

Photo Credit: Andreanna Moya Photography

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25 responses on “Mixed Signals – What His Inconsistency Tells You

  1. Terry

    If I had read this post at one point during my single life, I would have been offended by your suggestion to “let the man lead.” I made my own living, paid my own rent, traveled and had fun with my friends. In other words, I was independent and not likely to transform myself into somebody’s little woman.

    But I would have misunderstood you. I finally learned that by letting the guy lead, you’re essentially allowing him to do the work. And that’s a very good thing.

    As you pointed out, it also tells you a lot about him, specifically if he’s interested. (What a relief to be able to stop wondering.)

    Thanks for the great post. If a man wants to be with a woman, he’ll be glad to reach for her. We just have to be willing to give him room to reach.

  2. Ronnie Post author

    Terry – thanks so much for your point of view on this. Women do misunderstand this advice and you helped give a twist that might appeal to more women – so a big thank you! I’m not trying to make anyone angry or be controversial, I just want to help women who have a strong desire to find love – to find it.

  3. Stevo

    Roonie, maybe this guy has a life and isn’t a doormat like so many poor souls that constantly get dumped by your female clients. Obviously, this guy is doing something right because TG is wondering where things are going with Him. Come on Ronnie, you know intuitively that guys that aren’t available 24/7 are more interesting and alluring than those that are like slobbering little puppies waiting to answer their date’s every beck and call. This guy understands that women want a challenge. And so what if he is dating other women? Wouldn’t you rather date a guy that is popular than one that is sitting at home by the phone waiting for you to call? Who wants a loser like that? TG, pursue your guy, he’s most likely worth the effort.

  4. Ronnie Post author

    Stevo – that would be “NO”. When dating, I sought men who were consistent and serious about me. That’s what makes for a healthy, lasting long-term relationship. And that’s how my husband of 11 years is.

    Personally, I don’t like drama – I can see maybe you do. To each his own as they say.

    What you are talking about IS exciting, but it doesn’t last and if a woman hangs on – she is likely miserable. But thanks for your POV.

  5. Lavern Gill

    Hell Ronnie

    I was dating this guy last summer, we had a wonderful time he was all over me. When I was with friends and family he makes me feel loved accepted and all. ALSO when we were along he was the sweetest thing. Flowers, gifts all the beautiful wonderful concert, opera you name it he sent me the most beautiful vase of flowers took me to dinner then five days he called me and said to me there is something he wanted to talk to me about. we had dinner then he told me openly that he is not going to see me any more because he is not in love with me. What do you make of that sort of behavior. tell me Anyway I have gotten over that and would not want this to be repeated again. Help me here Ronnie I need some advise.
    Regards Rose

  6. GINA

    Hello.

    I am in dire need of some advice. I have been dating a guy for 3 months. I have my own apt but am at his house 3-4 days a week, depending on if I have to leave town that weekend. See, if I am leaving town for the weekend, I stay with him at his house 2-3 days during the week. When I’m there, I act as if we are married, cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of his dogs when he is out of town for work (which is on and off mon-thursday). I KNOW that I am making this WAY too easy for him, but I don’t know how to start over, get things on the right track. I have also told him that I am in love with him, his response, that he’s just not there yet. He has been divorced for almost two years now, and I am the first relationship since then. I too am almost two years divorced. We speak of the future and I know that he cares about me, maybe even loves me but is just afraid to say it? I feel like a need a dating coach and am so lost!! I just want to do this right and make this one last. Please help.

    Gina

  7. GINA

    Oh, I forgot to add that I too am getting mixed signals… When I’m there he never makes comments about me being there, even acts really appreciative of the help,but then sometimes he says he says he doesn’t want to get smothered and that maybe I need to go home for a few days. This is confusing to me. Then, when I am gone for a few days, it’s “when are you coming back?”

    totally confused
    gina

  8. AS

    Some sound advice… Whilst we live in an age of equal opportunities etc when it comes to dating I am of the belief that it is a man’s role to take the lead. In many situations you find that without a chase, men lose interest pretty quickly.

  9. Judy

    Great advice! So true. If they’re sending mix signals it’s best to walk. And hard as it is to do, you gotta let the guy take the lead in the early stages of the game.

  10. Ronnie Post author

    AS – I agree completely – the chase is still alive!

    Judy – you are right – when you see mixed signals, step back. If he wants you – he’ll step up!

  11. Diane

    I just got dealt a blow of mixed signals and rejection last night. I now understand how men and boys say they fear it.

  12. Kelly

    I manage a motel and this guy has stayed here off/on for over a year (due to work). One night in July a group of people were having a BBQ out back and they invited me and everyone else over. When I closed,I went over and me and this guy (I’ll call him Rabbit lol) started talking and we’d hit it off. We stayed up all night (til 6:30 am) talking and hanging out and it was quite nice. He kissed me 2x that night as well. The next day he was leaving and that was that. I’m friendly with his coworker/good friend so I shot off a quick text asking him to pass along my number to Rabbit. I thought for sure he would call, but after 2 or 3 weeks I realized he wasn’t going to. I decided to just forget about him and let it go. The following week he called, asked for me and made reservations for another stay. Well, he then asks me “I’m surprised I haven’t heard from you”…I said what? I tried to get my number to you etc. But then again, I live at work (on site job) and he certainly knows how to get ahold of me. To make a long story even longer (sorry!) he sounded so happy, he wanted me to stay with him, hang out etc. Asked if that room came with kisses from me and all of that. It was looking good right? I was happy and as the next day approached I was excited to see him again. He got here, checked in, he’d brought us some drinks etc. Then, he wants to take a nap and said ‘come back later”….I said no, why don’t you just let me know when you’re up? He said ok. Hours go by and walkover to his room and it’s wide open but he’s gone! WTF? When the motel closed for the night, my friend and i went to go have a drink across the street. Lo and behold there he is talking to some guy…MY friend knew the guy he was with and walked over and was talking to them. About 15 minutes later I walked over and my friend was leaving to go home and they invited me to stay with them…we had one more drink and left. Meanwhile his friend (who is much older) was saying he liked me,my attitude/personality/looks and all that and stated that he would take me out to lunch and/or dinner. Rabbit was like, “Like hell you will”. We leave come back to my place for another drink..and talked for a bit then went to bed to SLEEP. Nothing at all happened other than a kiss or two prior to going to bed. We sleep and in the morning he says “I have to check my phone” (he’d left it in his room and he’s on phone 24/7 with is work job)I said ok…he left to “go get his phone” i got up, made a cup of coffee went outside to sit and he was long gone, car and all…Haven’t heard from him since. (about 10 days now) WTF?

    P.S. Also his friend had told my friend that Rabbit had been telling him about this girl he has a crush on at the motel..(which was me) and this was before his friend even was introduced to me or knew that I was that girl.

    Did this make ANY sense? lol sorry for the length, I probably shouldn’t have written a novel….

  13. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Kelly, This guy’s erratic behavior is a sign that he lacks emotional stability. Whether he likes you or not is not so relevant. If you decide to be open to him for a potential relationship, he will likely make your life hell. Things never get better than in the beginning and right now the red flags are waving like at a parade. My dating advice is not to indulge him. As a manager, you have to be nice when he shows up, but close down the romance with this guy. If you get involved with him, you’ll always be wondering because he doesn’t not know how to communicate and has no respect for you or his own word. You deserve to be with a quality person, not someone who says he’ll be right back and then disappears.

  14. Kelly

    Thank you Ronnie, I was thinking similarly. But damn, it’s hard!

    Mixed signals indeed!

    Thank you again for taking the time to respond, that is so kind of you!

  15. Jenny

    I’ve been reading the above with great interest but what I would like to do is explain why these statements are accurate. Usually, if a woman is told that the man should do all the chasing, this is very often followed with “Why? This is the 21st century. That’s old fashioned nonsense”.

    By examining the typical behaviour of our ancestors we can see why this is the case, and in order to understand why it is important to let the man chase you we need to have an understanding of our prehistoric background.

    In simple terms, the man would go out into the wilderness and return to his cave with a woman.

    Genetically speaking this pattern of behavior is still encoded in the male today. Further studies reveal why men and women think differently but that’s another subject.

    Unfortunately, if a man is interested or “into” you he will let you know and anything done to force the matter or influence his behaviour will eventually lead to heartbreak.

    As difficult and as tempting as it is, let him come for you.

  16. Amanda

    I have been I guess “talking ” to this guy since March! He has stood me up several times in the past! However I found out he was dating someone and still he wants to talk to me! I don’t understand why?
    He always tell me he misses my face and wants to see me nothing happens! I feel like I’m going round in round in circles with him! It’s getting to be a huge turn off for me to even chase him! The thing is he expects to text him and knows I’ll answer on a drop of a dime. Please help

  17. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Amanda, Not every man, nor every woman wants to be monogamous. And it’s an ego boost to be dating one woman while courting others. So there is your answer to “why”. That’s why he is all talk and no action – not making time to see you. And apparently he knows he’s got you on the line since you respond immediately. Why would you chase this guy? I recommend you NEVER CHASE NAY MAN, never mind this player. He is just wasting your time. Don’t respond to any more texts or calls. Drop him like a hot potato and move on to find a man who actually wants to spend time with you. He is NOT the MAN for YOU.

  18. HC

    Well, I guess this article was specifically for me! I’ve been crushing on this guy for over a year now but I never told him until a few months ago. Then I found out he liked me too. The attraction between us was so darn thick, you could cut that shit with a army knife!!!! We both recently ended relationships so we wanted to go slow. After months of flirting, hanging out, we were intimate with each other. We still “see” each other and hang out but…….it’s bothers me that every time I suggest us going for a movie or just us dating, he never seems to have time. He works two jobs and makes time to go to the gym……but I’m feeling like he’s blowing me off AND stringing me along. Men make time for a woman if he’s really interested in her, period! He told me he liked me a lot more than he wanted to admit and that I was special to him, but I think that’s it; enough to sleep with but not enough to date!! I just wish I didn’t have feelings for him. My question is how do I get this guy out my system?! I’m frustrated because I don’t want to feel this way about a man whose stringing me along AND blowing me off, please help!

  19. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi HC, remember – its a man’s actions not his words that matter most. He is showing you that he is not seriously interested in you because he makes no time to see you. How do you get him out of your system? Stop talking to him! Go meet some new guys! And don’t sleep with a man until he shows you have consistent dates and communication if you are looking for love.

  20. Confused

    So I’m in college, and I met this guy at a party and we’ve been talking since the ending of October. We started things pretty slow, we’d hangout at parties, talk, get to know each other, but only on weekends. After a couple weeks we were kissing and cuddling, and talking during the week and stuff.. after about a month and a half I finally gave him my virginity..

    After that we were still talking and stuff, and he was really sweet and everything, but about a week later we both went home for 3 weeks for christmas break. We still talked over the break, he told me people kept asking if he was single and he didn’t know what to say so he ended up asking me if we were “a thing”, but we never really came to an answer and then he just dropped the subject completely.. (to clear that up, I said I was a one guy only kind of girl, to which he responded: “Well it can’t be me because I’m an asshole. Best of luck to ya’s!” .. ??)

    Now that we’re both back at college in the same town, we’ve barely talked. I haven’t even seen since we’ve been back. What do you suggest with this confusing guy? He was super into me before we left, and also seemed to be during the break, and now he doesn’t. I don’t get it.

  21. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    He actually said to you “well it can’t be me because I’m an ass” and you still want to see him? Girl – its time to work on your confidence. He slept with you then showed diminishing interest. What do you want him back for? He is not a gentleman and not genuinely interested. I’m sorry to say sometimes men seem really into you just to get you into bed. Now he’s been there, done that and off to the next.

    Don’t feel too bad – it happens to so many women. Next time, be sure to have several dates over a few weeks before you sleep with a man if you want to know how interested he is. When it comes to love, it’s always a bit of a gamble. But hopefully you’ll get smarter about men and catch on faster to this kind of “player routine”.

  22. AL

    Hey Ronnie, I could really use your advice.

    I started seeing this guy around Nov last year. We hit it off completely and it was great!! A few weeks into in he went off the face of the planet..Texted him to see what was up and nothing, so I backed off. Late Dec he comes back pouring his heart out telling me he got “cold feet” that he could not lose me! I am a very forgiving person, said I only wanted a friendship. He insisted a bit until we got together and things just picked up from there. He really did not have to put in much effort. It was hard to be his friend because I really liked him. Long story short we started talking and are now in a 2 month relationship. Thing is, I keep getting what I see as mixed signals. I do not know if it is just me, overthinking-which I tend to do… Or what? As of currently he works nights, I work days-so that alone adds stress and we only see each other on weekends-which is starting to get to me. He also shares a car with his mother. As of last a few days i brought up the subject of seeing each other more often (during the week) but last night he said something I didn’t like.. I suggested he come after 6:30 my shift and before his shift at 10pm..His response was we will see because that cuts down on my time, for sleep or cooking etc… :/ Mind you, I drive over there every weekend, I stay up late nights to talk to him since our schedule is so different… He claims to miss me but.. I get that response. The words are not being backed up by the actions. I do not know if a breakup is the right thing because i am old school and believe in fixing something if needed not giving up BUT I COULD USE HELP!!!

  23. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Al, yes the words do match his actions and that is your tip off something is not right. it could be several things. He might not want to see you more than the weekends. he might see someone else during the week. he might not want to get too close. There isn’t much you can do to make him want to see you. It could be something else.

    So what you know right now is that he doesn’t have the same desires about dating and relationships as you do. That likely means you are not a good match.

    My suggestion is to tell him what you want and what would work for you. Say something like, “I enjoy your spending time with you and getting to know you better. It would mean a lot to me to see you more than on the weekends. maybe at least one day during the week. What do you think?” You want to say this to him with little emotion – just matter of fact and no pressure.

    Then if you don’t like his answer or he says something nice but doesn’t back it up with actions, you’ll know you should well move on. He’s not going to come around if either of those two things happen. I know that’s hard to do but it will save you months of heartache. My bet is, he is not the right guy for you because he doesn’t want what you want

  24. Lynn

    Hi Ronnie,

    I got a question. Someone from work started emailing me on facebook after I posted a recent new picture of myself. I was told by other coworkers that this guy seemed interested in me. Sometimes he will email me 5 minutes after i answer his email, other times it fluctuates from 2 hours to 18 hours to 3 days or even 6 days. I have given him my number and we have texted off and on for 2 weeks. After that he stopped texting and started emailing me on facebook again. We went from emailing each other on facebook to texting to emailing each other on facebook again. He has informed me that he has been in and out of the hospital due to health issues. However, there have been 3 different times where he has emailed me and said lets have lunch on thursday or lets have lunch on this day yet I tell him check with me on the day before to confirm this and then he doesnt and when the day comes up where he mentioned about having lunch on that day in question he doesnt email me. Yet he will email me several days after that day we were supposed to meet for lunch and talk about this and that. I have told him in the emails that I felt as though he was not serious about having lunch with me and that he was messing with me about. Then he came back and said he was serious about having lunch with me and he wasnt messing with me about it. So I believed him and we emailed each other for a few more weeks and i would ask stuff about him and he would ask stuff about me. Last weekend he said something about having lunch this weekend. I told him that would be fine. However, since that last email he didnt send send me another email saying anything about a day or a time to have lunch this weekend. Hence this weekend has just about to be gone, and we didnt have lunch. He has emphasized to me he was serious about having lunch with me and not messing with me. And he has been in the hospital due to health problems.Yet 3 times he will say in emails that we should do lunch together on this day or that day, and then no email from him about when and where on the 2 or 3 days before we are supposed to have lunch. What is going on here?

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